Ben, Jen and some Cacti

       I just want to start out by saying that my baby is so cute. Obvious, but true.

       I had the WONDERFUL opportunity of driving 24 hours to Arizona earlier this month. Honestly, I could've taken an airplane, but I leave that for the sane people to do. But don't worry--it all worked out. My boss was kind enough to not deny my request to have 5 days off of work, so five hours before we set off, I scrambled to pack up all my stuff.

       Day one: six a.m. is really early. But guess who I got to see 3 1/2 hours later... MY BABY!!! Oh my goodness, I freaking love that kid. His mom, Ann, was so kind to let us make our first pit stop at her home. So my dad and I walked in and there, sitting up on the floor with 10 toys around him, was beautiful Ben. Even thought it was only for forty minutes, it was so amazing to sit around with Ann, Derek and of course, baby. We watched him roll around and heard him laugh every time the dog barked.
       The best thing I saw was Ben's reaction when Derek came home. One of the benefits of choosing adoption was that Ben would have a father, a dad who loved and cared for him. So when Derek came home from work to visit with us, Ben's face lit up and he started flailing his little arms and legs, and cooing until Derek came and tackled/kissed him. My heart was SO full. I looked at Derek and said, "Wow. He really, really loves you." Like, what more could I ask for.
       He's seven months old now, so I brought him some baby food as a gift. Seems like a little thing, but I like supporting them being Ben's parents for me; formula is a little too expensive, so in the past I've brought diapers, clothes, and now jarred food. Ann knows me so well, how I miss Ben the most right before and after I visit him, so the next day she sent me a picture of Ben eating the food I brought for him. I honestly couldn't have asked for better parents for my child. Oh, and one more thing; Derek was telling me how sometimes when he goes to the store with Ben, and people comment about how cute my baby is, they say that Ben looks just like Derek... and Derek just looks at them and says thanks. It's hilarious to me because Ben looks more and more like Andrew and me: my dark brown eyes, his smile, etc. That was one of the things I apologized for when I first met them in Logan a year ago (I did not think it has been that long) that I was sorry he wouldn't look like them. Luckily, Derek just lets it roll off.
     
 Driving my dad's old, wide and long Impala is terrifying. I think I drove for at least four hours the first day, and that was way too much. You know how passing trucks while going 75 mph on the freeway is scary? Imagine your car taking up the entire width of a lane, the big semi taking up the entire width of his lane, oh and it's windy. Let's just say that dad didn't like my driving.

       Day two: more driving. 11 more hours to be precise. At least this time it was more scenic, like Zion and Bryce Canyon scenic. So gorgeous to see it in person. From the road. From miles away. But still pretty. Anyone driving from SLC to PHX, I recommend highway 89. More scary driving from me later, we finally made it to Mesa around dinner time. Air conditioning is amazing. Getting sick from change of altitude and temperature--not so amazing.

       Day three-five: basically wedding planning day for the Jen! Not only am I the photographer of weddings (see www.photographyrebeccaann.blogspot.com ) I get to be the florist too! By some sheer luck, the only non potted orchids in the store were the perfect color for the wedding. Jen's old roommate, Becca, came down to Mesa to be a part of the wedding and us three had tons of fun over the two days. We found this AMAZING park to take their bridals at, which was mostly just a lot of laughing. Then we went at ate the juiciest burger I've ever had at Zinburger in Gilbert, and niece Evelyn was there! She was such fun over the weekend.
       Then, JEN GOT MARRIED! It was so beautiful, and her husband is the BEST. I've been so lucky with brother-in-laws. Nick is so wonderful to Jen, and to me and Ev.
        On Saturday, we went to the Mesa, Arizona temple. It is so much prettier in real life. Church is kind of an iffy thing for me right now, but I have a special place for temples in my heart; so much respect for what happens inside them, and they have such a beautiful design and architecture. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejf9a70qgl8 )

       I also want to add, I'm obsessed with cacti. The last time I was here, I couldn't find a good time to take a picture with one. But the temple had like a whole forest of cacti and I took some pretty pictures.

Her Birth Story and My Heartache

       As we all know, this blog started with the longest post known to man about my pregnancy and delivery of sweet baby Ben. The whole point was for it to be therapeutic, to write out all my feelings instead of holding them in and bursting. It was not important who read it or how many views the page got, (although that was fascinating.) I sent the link to that post to a couple dozen people I thought would care about me enough to want to know this big event in my life; turns out it spread farther than I thought it would (a good and bad thing, because of people's desire to teach lessons by judging you.) Turns out I know amazing people that truly love and care about me, people I didn't even think noticed me. It's always fun to have people come up to me and tell me they've read my blog and support me.

       For my birthday, Ann sent me a card and her nine-page birth story of the day Ben was born, and the next day when I placed him into their care for eternity. Andrew and I took turns reading each page, but eventually I just made him read because I was balling my eyes out. Hearing how it all played out from point of view just brought back the absolute agony of the experience. I've been working so hard to only see the positive parts of the adoption, like how healthy, chubby, cute and happy he is. But this story just killed me; it was like I hadn't made any progress on my mental health.

       Apparently, a would-be birthmother fell through on their adoption a couple years ago, so Ann had a really hard time trusting me throughout our entire experience because she thought I would bail on her just like this other woman had. She talked about having to wait so long in the waiting room, about how she wished she could have been a bigger part of his birth and hospital time. By the end of reading this story, I felt like the worst birthmother ever because of how much she wished she could have experienced that I prevented, in one way or another. Granted, she got my baby so it's not like she's complaining, but still. It's one of those things where we were both trying to respect each other and ended up both feeling off about how things were happening.


       Another thing that has been breaking me recently and for the last year is when other girls my age get pregnant. Some keep their baby (a win), some get to keep their baby and marry their man (a definite win.) And here I am, losing everything and everyone that actually matters to me. Yeah, I know life isn't fair. But life freaking sucks. One of my friends, a year younger than me who had her baby a month after me, just got married. Someone else I know is getting married soon because she got pregnant. It is agonizing. I envy them. Everyone is telling me to be happy, but that depends on things that I can't control. I can't make him marry me even though that would make me happy. I can't make him let me have another baby (even though I totally did ask.) I know what I want. I know that I can't have what I want. And yet I'm expected to watch other people live my dream while I sit by and watch.