Today, I got to see my baby! It's been 4 months since they came here. I wanted to do this trip by myself, to have all my focus and attention on Ben and not have to deal with anyone else but our little adoption family. HE IS SO BEAUTIFUL YOU GUYS. And as much as he looks just like the pictures, the real deal is so much better. He has my raspy voice, taste for sour lemons and big brown eyes and skin tone. But oh my goodness does he look like Andrew. Genetics are amazing and babies are miracles.
One of the last things Andrew said to me was to not go see Ben without him; I just couldn't do that because he's my baby and I didn't want to sit there convincing him to interact with the baby instead of just staring at him like he always does. As I was playing with Ben and watching him walk around at the park, I had a little glimpse in my mind of what it could've been: Andrew and I holding each other, watching our son proudly, and kissing him until he was laughing super hard. And in that moment, I was so glad I was there alone so that I didn't go running back to our toxic relationship.
When we first arrived after a short trip to the Columbia River Temple, Ben was just waking up and wouldn't come to me (stranger danger.) I was pleasantly surprised that it didn't hurt. I think I've been walking around on eggshells to protect myself, but I think I'm the one making it worse by conjuring up feelings that don't need to exist. There are still really bad days where I hate the world, and everyone but my baby. As they pass, though, and I can really look at it in the broad spectrum of things, I see not only a beautiful baby, but a beautiful family that I helped create.
All in all, it was a beautiful day filled with love, good food and great conversation. I had the chance to talk to Ann about some adoption things, to get her side of the story, and other topics that have actual depth. I have so many things to say, but adoption is one of those things that I want to discuss with people who have lived it; I thrive when there is true empathy, when people actually understand because they are in the same boat as me. She said something that really healed me, "I don't think I could love Ben any more than I do now if he was my biological son. I don't even desire to be pregnant because he is everything I could've wanted." Can you be more perfect, Ann? Benjamin really is their son, you can see and feel the love they all have for each other from a mile away, or in my case from 200 miles away. As I observe their little family, I see them as a normal, happy family that I dream of having one day. How can I be angry at the world if this family exists?
I have the best adoptive parents ever.
P.S. the blue helmet he wears is to correct a flat spot on his head due to torticollis. He wears it everyday, and is allowed to have it off for about an hour each day. He's so happy, and doesn't mind it at all.
