Today is my sweet Benjamin’s second birthday. It is truly
bittersweet.
His life has changed me in every way possible, and celebrating it
makes my heart leap with joy.
Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Holding, providing and
loving his little life inside of me will always be my favorite memory. From him
being just a thought in my mind, to being a sweet baby who kicked me far too
often in the ribs, and then to this perfect life that stared at me as I fed
him; his LIFE was my everything. Benjamin gave me a will to live, a purpose to
continue on every day and provide for him. And now, I live to share little days
and small moments with him, hoping and praying and pleading that I continue to
be a part of his life.
Dear Ben, I hope you know how much I love you. I assure you, it’s more than you will ever fathom.
March for women babies life.
There’s a quote from my favorite movie, Seven Pounds, that
sums up how I’m feeling in this exact moment: “Is it true that you said that
you do not believe that you even deserve a heart because your life is
unremarkable in every way?... "Unremarkable" would be an upgrade for
me I assure you.”
Every morning, I wake up excited to go to work. I go to work, I try my best, and I feel accomplished at the end of the day. When I get home, I'm excited to have me time to read, or watch that silly show everyone makes fun of me for watching, because I just had a successful day and I deserve the reward. I stay busy, purposeful, so that the sadness doesn't creep back in. Am I a happy person? I don't think so. But goodness, I'm having so many good days, way more than bad days. It's finally become good days with bad moments, instead of just plain old bad days.
Mine and my fiance's wedding is coming up in a few short weeks. I cannot explain to you how exited I am. I have loved and cherished these past six months with him and I can't wait for more. I feel it's okay to have questions when deciding something so grand. I don't question going forward, I just question my capability to gracefully adapt to being unable to push this man away from me. Because despite my harsh words, horrible mood swings and horrible outlook on life, I want so badly to have this man tied to me forever. I have a bad habit of hurting people, and then pushing them away to wallow in my own misery--and it's so confusing to me that he stays even though he can see what I'm trying to do that. How could I pass that up? How could I turn away from honest to goodness true love? I can't. I don't want to. And I know it's mutual. This whole love is so mutual. Mutually crazy, and mutually impatient and temperamental. But our love is going to create us a good life.
Forgive me for what I say when I'm in an off moment. I promise, I'm getting better. And you know, maybe in a week, I'll look back and scoff and this brief moment of positivity, but hell I just feel so good about where I am right now.
And next time you want to ask me whether I'm happy, please, by all means, get pregnant with the love of your life, then watch as he and him and everything gets ripped away from you, then try putting yourself back together without medication or useless therapy. I think I'm doing a damn good job. Because I'm still constantly trying every day. And that's more than just existing. That's living. And that's a feat in and of itself in this cold, cruel world.
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| Photo from the Instagram of Talk About Adoption |
