A Coerced Adoption

I started dating a guy near the beginning of my senior year. He pressured me a lot to have sex with him and we were moving way faster and way further than I ever wanted to go. He knew my stance; he knew that I never wanted to have sex before I got married. Because of my naivety, I didn’t even know what the actual act of sex was. He eventually raped me on prom night, but not in the gruesome way that everyone assumes, it was more of a manipulative way. This behavior continued for a month and then I was pregnant.

I did not have a good relationship with my parents and felt very unwanted in my own home, so I truly felt like my boyfriend’s version of “love” was all that I deserved since it was better than what I was getting at home.

When I told him, he immediately looked up how much child-support he would be forced to pay. I refused to get an abortion even though he was adamant that that’s what I needed to do. At one point I eventually feared for my life and for the baby’s life, so I brought up adoption even though I told him that it was my baby and I’m gonna keep the baby—even if he wasn’t going to be a part of our life.

Once that word has been said, the adoption word, everyone in my family and his rallied behind that, completely forgetting that I was growing an actual human being inside of me that I wanted. We fought for months about it, and my stance continued that I wanted to parent, his stance continued that he wanted me to abort even into the third trimester.

I made plans anyway in case adoption was what I had to do, and I chose a family from an online profile through my agency. I met my agent about three times before I gave birth and she was very full of attitude, but not support. She gave me the recommendation to look up the church’s stance on unplanned pregnancy to help me with my decision, and everything I read was that either I had to marry my rapist or I had to give my child away. All the literature said that I would be a complete failure to my child and to god if I kept my baby. I voiced my opinions to my family that I still wanted to keep this baby and I didn’t want to go through with the adoption, but they said that it was too late since I already communicated with the family—that I couldn’t let them down since they already got their hopes up that I will give them a baby.

My boyfriend started beating me during my last month of pregnancy and I realized that if I did keep my baby, either me or the baby were going to die at the hands of my boyfriend.

When it came time to give birth, I was so excited to finally meet my baby, and yet so terrified because I knew the clock was ticking for my motherhood.

Less than 24 hours after my baby was born, my agent came in to have me sign my rights away and to sign forms that said that I wasn’t being coerced, but it was right in front of my boyfriend who was threatening my life and my mother who was saying I wasn’t allowed to back out.

I asked to stay a second night at the hospital, but 27 hours after he was born, I was clutching onto him, bawling and screaming at my mom and my boyfriend to let me keep my baby, and they shushed me and told me to put him in his carrier because the adoptive parents were about to come in, and that I shouldn’t waste their money on a hotel for another night.

To this day, my ex best friend continues with the opinion that I would’ve been awful mom to my son.

 But my mother and my sisters have finally seen sense, but hold fast that they thought it was too late and they thought adoption was what I wanted. Despite my begging to keep my baby for months.

I was finally able to escape the clutches of my boyfriend a year and a half later, 18 more months of abuse in every possible way you can think of. He would beat me if I cried over missing my baby, he would yell at me if I said that I missed him, he would throw my pictures of my baby across the room if he caught me looking at them. I’m amazed that I got out alive, but I definitely did not get out whole or unscathed.

I attempted to go to a birthmother support group that was held by my agency, but there was no support. It made me feel like they thought I made the right decision, and that the grief that I was feeling would only be temporary and that I would get over it after I realized it was the right decision. They failed to understand that it was not a decision. It was a desperate act to save the life of me and my child, and not one I wanted to make.

BEN: A Visit

SO! I finally got to see my sweet baby Ben! It's been a very long 7.5 months, so I've been wanting and needing it. My husband and I packed up Adeline and drove the 3.5 hours east to the other side of Washington, and checked into our cute hotel.

We met up at the boat loading dock on the Columbia River and went out on the boat for four hours with the whole family. Ben was SO sweet on Della. He calls her "baby Adeline" and it melts my heart. Della is not used to being around children so she was very keen to watch the boys play.

I was trying to get baby to sleep, and Ben kept coming over and trying to keep the sun out of her eyes by covering them, which in turn made her cry, so I tried to teach him to cup his hands to block the light.

Ben was obsessed with her binkie too, because you can stick your finger in it. Any time Delly got a little fussy, he would come over and stick it in her mouth and say "It's okay baby Adeline!"

The next day, we went over to Ben's house to play, and the boys kept showing Della all of their toys. When I pulled my camera out, Ben was very eager to get his picture taken with her.

Mostly it was just the three of us Houstons getting quality time together. But that's okay because we needed a break from the distractions of normalcy.

I didn't have the talk I wanted to. I worked myself up for literally weeks on what I wanted to say, and then it never felt like the right time.
I know Ben knows me, loves my baby, and thinks it's hilarious when Zach falls in the water off the wake board. I know he's comfortable with me in his home, and in his space.
That will have to be enough. 

 

 

My Seat at the Table

As a birthmom, I hardly ever feel like I have a true seat at anyone’s table. 

Can I sit with the girls my age? Probably not; I don’t fit in to their college lifestyle, and have totally different problems to deal with. 

Can I sit with the moms? Definitely not; I have no stories to tell about our babies’ little quirks and milestones. 

Finally, what about the adoption community’s table? Again, I just don’t feel like I have a true seat there; my story is too different.

Adoption is supposed to be this choice that we feel empowered about. It’s supposed to be about how brave we were to choose the best life for our child. We’re supposed to find ourselves in this unplanned pregnancy, go through it weighing out our options for a couple months, and then finally decide to place our baby for adoption, look through a couple profile books, send some messages, birth our baby, and place. Then, since it’s most likely an open adoption, we go through the motions of getting our life back, while cherishing these cute moments of our baby living his best life with his adoptive parents in the form or pictures, skype calls, or even blessed visits. We’re supposed to go to therapy, and birthmom support groups, and heal.

But I can’t sit at that table. I don’t belong there.

My adoption wasn’t an empowered choice. It was a desperate attempt at survival.
I didn’t get to weigh out my options—well I did, but it was more “do I want to get beat up over this topic again, or should I just remain silent to try to save myself and this innocent, unborn baby?”
I didn’t get to start a new life after placing, not for a year and a half.
My therapist was a disgusting joke, and my birthmom support group wasn’t structured toward healing.

I follow all these amazing people and companies in the adoption triad on Instagram, people that have taught me so much, people I wish I could sit at the table with. Yes, we share some similarities with our stories and our grief. But I sit there and cram my head into my hands, screaming internally that even they can’t know what it’s like.

Were they threatened to get killed throughout their pregnancy by a guy who said he loved them?
Were they punched in the head and the stomach for the entire last trimester of their pregnancy?
Were they screamed at and verbally abused every second of every day that they were stuck with the regretful sperm donor?
Were they in their hospital room begging to keep their baby while their mom and sperm donor shushed them into submission?
Were they sitting on the bed, weeping over the few pictures they took of their babe in the hospital, only to have them ripped away from the sperm donor, pushed off the bed and screamed at for having feelings about the baby still?
Were they abused in every possible way for the next year and a half?

If you were, I’m so deeply sorry you had to live that life. I feel your pain.

You see, there is just too much trauma in those 2-3 years of my life. I can’t determine how I truly feel about adoption because it’s all webbed into how deeply I loathe Andrew, how scarred I am from his abuse, how rejected I feel from my family, how worthless I feel from the church, and truthfully, not knowing where my seat is at the table. I’ve been so lost.

I love to share my story, because I know it’s a bit different from what companies/adoption groups like to show. My story isn’t hearts and flowers. It’s purely pain and misery. No one really wants to hear that side of adoption, and I don’t blame them. But unfortunately, coercion is real. Abuse is real. What looks like a choice was really a desperate last act to save the baby.

I wish I had been strong enough to leave Andrew when his evil started showing, but I honestly thought I was so worthless that no one else would want me.
I wish I had kept my baby, but I can’t fully 100% convince myself of that because I needed some serious support to provide for him, and he is so gosh darn happy with his incredible parents.
I wish that after placement, I would’ve left Andrew then at least, filed a well-deserved restraining order, and saved myself from complete bitterness toward everyone and everything.
I wish I didn’t feel so empty.

I wish I could sit at the table my adoption community friends have saved for me without still feeling like I don't belong.