Come Fly With Me

Life has finally given me something amazing: TRAVEL. So it's safe to say I love Europe! And Frank Sinatra is soul food to me so I thought we'd dedicate the title to him. Thank you, dearest Frank for keeping me focused on editing for hours the past couple days.

These last two weeks have been incredible, filled with so much laughter, and fun experience with my sisters and family. You've probably seen a thousand pictures already but oh well here they are again.

I got to spend so much time with my nieces this trip and it felt SO good to be around them. I love these sweet babies so much, and I love being able to bond with them more. Kens and I got super close and even got to hang out all day together and play family in Arizona; which by the way is just as good as I've always imagined. I got to take her grocery shopping (aka judging the local Kroger store) and feed and change her and take a nap with her. It was so special.

Something else incredible was getting to go to so many new temples. We saw two in Europe: the London, England Temple where my oldest sister got sealed, and the Frankfurt, Germany Temple which has been under construction for two years. Then when we were in Arizona, I got to go through a Temple for the first time in Tuscon. It was such a beautiful experience, going through a silent tour and just feeling the spirit. The best part though was when Kens saw a painting of Mary riding a donkey and she made her animal noise. We were trying to shush her but laughing all at the same time. We also got to see the Gilbert Temple with Kens.

London was incredible, the ropes course we did in Germany was SO fun and so challenging (I literally cried I was so scared I was going to fall even though I totally had a harness on, oops) but VENICE was the best! We finally got to split up from the huge family group and go with just me and hubby and Jen and hubby #squadgoals. Everything was gorgeous. It was really hot and if any of you know me, you know I hate walking and meandering to different shops. But that's exactly what we did. And you know, I didn't hate it this time because I was constantly rewarded with pretty buildings to photograph and gelato. Guys, they aren't kidding about Italian gelato. I'm a chocoholic, and I love my Oreo's so I kept getting those flavors but then begging Zach to let me eat as much of his lemon gelato as I could. Because I could eat lemons all day, but that's less acceptable than lemon gelato. SO. GOOD.

We had a couple days after we got back from Europe to be somewhere else, and we really wanted to avoid home and work, so going to be with Jen and hubby and Kens seemed like the perfect option. So we went to Arizona. Also known as my favorite place in the whole world. I really want to move there. Zach really doesn't want to. SO my whole goal was to show him what our life could be like, the fun things we could do and the people we'd be surrounded by, and how good the church feels there. We drove by super cute houses that even we could afford, went to Top Golf and gave him pointers on how to improve his game, because we Steinhilbers are golfers after all so he needs to join us properly ;) we got to play volleyball for three hours with a great group of people from church, and play family with Kens all day. Saturday, we got to go to a baptism of  a family friend's son who just turned 8 and that was such a cool experience to show Zach.

Religion is super hard for me, because as you probably know, I think God has something against me. But showing it to Zach has made me turn my opinion around. When Krissy was getting sealed in London, Zach and I couldn't go in obviously, so we took my nieces to the visitor's center and watched some "I'm a Mormon" videos and one of Oliver Cowdrey. After we left, we took all the pamphlets we could find and studied those over the course of our vacation. Starting with the basics.
I love goals and everything, but the idea of getting the missionaries on him and "setting a date" for baptism is crazy to me. Conversion took me years even though I was already baptized at 8. And look how good that's been to me. Sometime faith fails you and I don't want Zach to rush into something for me, or even for him if it's just a spur of the moment belief. But I love the pace we're going at; honestly he's more into it than me, but answering his questions is getting into it. I was SO embarrassed that I forgot the last words to James 1:5, and didn't know the hymn number of I Need Thee Every Hour. These were things I was so proud of knowing since I excelled in seminary all four years and can play every song in the hymn book. So I know I have to get back into it.

SIDE NOTE: I got to photograph Kristine and Chris' wedding and the pictures are really beautiful and so is my cute website so I hope you'll go check it out here! It only take like two minutes to look at them. 

SECOND SIDE NOTE: I don't think I ever announced here but I bought my own domain, started a business Instagram and got my first official, real, organic follower turned client to book not one but 2 shoots with me! GUYS! MY DREAMS MIGHT ACTUALLY COME TRUE! 

Recognizable if you're as big of a Sherlock fan as I am

The dream squad

Zach and I at the London Temple

Venice being pretty

Venice being full of churches

Zach and I looking cute at Krissy's wedding reception

Another Child-less Mother's Day

It's May again. It's mother's day time again. It's another year of me being without my child(ren). It's a stupid holiday. I hate this holiday. It's a day that we either separate the lucky mothers and the unlucky non-mothers, or even worse, include them and say "one day, you'll be a mother too."

This year, Ben is two years old and thriving with his parents. He has new baby brother, Nathan, and is still obsessed with his daddy. On the outside, the look like the typical, perfect American Family. Except, I know their struggles. I know how hard mother's day was on her for the years before Ben came into her life. I was told of how how he always gave her something special on mother's day. Out of empathy or grief or maybe it was just desperate hope.

Because if you aren't a mother, but you want to be, it's a day of torture. Everything is a reminder of your body's failure, or the failure of keeping bad family/boyfriend's opinions out of your decision making; or it's God making a mockery of your deepest desperation. 

Because I have two children and nothing to show for it. My sweet baby Ben is 200 miles away from my grasp, my heart, my hugs and my undying love. My silent pleading with God for the past two and a half years has gone completely unanswered, except to hurt me further. And my baby Houston is even further away, safe in heaven instead of in my belly.

Two babies lost before I'm even 21. Is anyone else shaking their heads, completely dumbfounded by God/Karma/Life's lack of empathy? THROW ME A FREAKING BONE.

Last year, I was able to eat with my best friend at her favorite restaurant where she surprised me with tulips and a heart felt card filled with love and empathy. That day is the day I decided that I needed to stay in Seattle, and not move to Arizona quite yet; three months later I met my husband and started to find happiness. But the sting of should-be-motherhood quenches even that.

Please, hold your babies tighter for me.

And if you feel like crying: https://www.facebook.com/today/videos/10154664613372984/

This was my test and first picture of my would've-been-bump for baby houston.
I would've know the gender by now. I lost him at 6 weeks gestation,
shortly after these were taken.

Trying, Trying; and Trying

Trying- adjective: hard to endure.

 

I think there's a beauty in the fact that the verb trying usually coincides with the adjective trying.

I've had this post on my mind for months now, and I was waiting for the right time to announce it but that time hasn't come.

As a recap, when I became pregnant when I was 17, it was unplanned and very, very early into my sexual relations with my boyfriend. I knew about ovulation, I knew about birth control and prevention, but since I didn't want to be sexually active, and because of the stigma with my parents and my religion I knew I would not be able to fully protect myself from pregnancy without the guilt tripping and shaming- despite them knowing that I didn't even want sex. I knew I was only 17, I knew I was still a child and I knew I was worth more than to just be some fuckable girl (obviously boyfriend didn't see that.) But something really changed inside me when I found out I was pregnant. Not only was it a dream come true, but just a little early, it was something I knew I was going to put my whole heart into and fully realize that this is only a blessing and it would never be a bad thing.

When I met Zach, we had a lot of conversations about family and the future and having children and what love really means to me. I thought I knew what love was based off of how I felt towards my boyfriend, but when they put your child that you've grown inside of you after nine months on your chest, you realize that up to that day you had never known true love.

I've been desperate to have a baby since before Ben was even born because I knew that they were going to take him from me. I wanted to have another baby with Andrew, I wanted to take my birth control out and just get pregnant with anybody, and then when I met Zach I wanted to get married and start a family right away because I knew that he was the one- he'd be a phenomenal and fun loving dad, present in his children's lives; never cruel, and no loud yelling. He had a similar dream, and so we started to really talk about how we could make it all happen. We got engaged, planned a wedding, and got married, and still made time for each other despite each of us working 45 hour weeks on opposite schedules. We fell in love so quickly.

On my bad days, I would beg him to let me have a baby. He would try to reassure me that we could take out my birth control soon, we can try for a baby soon. He promised me that I would be a mother very very soon to a baby that no one could take from me. On the good days, I relished in all his love and attention and dreamed of seeing the world together and building a home IKEA would be proud of together- and then having babies. The dreams would go back and forth with my mood.

Finally the day came when I made the doctors appointment to get my IUD taken out. And we tried the first month and the next month and the next month. The depth of disappointment I felt as I took countless pregnancy tests after being a week late but still not pregnant is something I'll never be able to fully understand.

On February 8th, I finally got two blue lines I'd been begging for for 2 years. I was five weeks pregnant. My heart was shaking though- something inside me told me to not be excited. My brain and heart fighting for emotions, mixed with desperation, depression and hope. Maybe, just maybe all my dreams will come true, maybe this is finally a reality I can endure.

Due date- October 13th, 2017

Two days later, I went to the Urgent Care and got tested for the flu and for my pregnancy. Positive for both! The doctor gave me baby-safe medicines and told me to get my free flu shot next season (my bad- this was literally the one year I didn't get it.)

On Saturday I woke up, and saw blood. I was screaming in my head. No. Not me. Why me. Why is it always me. Why can't I just have a baby. I'm healthy. I want this more than anyone. I've worked to be worthy of this. And then the cramping pain started. And I knew I was miscarrying.

I didn't think it would hurt as bad as it did since I wasn't very far along. Yet it did, and it managed to crush my spirit and my dreams, and my sweet baby.

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home

-Beyoncé (Heaven)

Life doesn't stop when you're grieving. Life keeps going, and not only does it keep going, it throws things in your face to show you just how unfortunate and unlucky you are and how blessed everybody else is. The same day that I started to miscarry my child was the day I had to go into a room of happy women to celebrate my bridal shower. I really wanted to enjoy it. I really wanted to focus on how amazing Zach is and how amazing we are together and all of our dreams together-but I'm sitting there in pain, crying because my baby is being crushed. I left work early the next day because the physical pain was unbearable. I've gotten really good at hiding my emotions, and dealing with the emotional pain that comes with losing a baby, so that part really surprised people when I told them, because they didn't even realize-I still looked "okay". I'm an expert on losing babies. Of course I'm "okay".

And so we kept trying and trying.

Nothing.

Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.

With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.

Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,

And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide

'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for months then torn from life.

Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

-Ed Sheeran (Small Bump)

It is so hard to not be angry. It is so hard to not hate the two women (so far) that I know that just posted they're due in October. They don't know what it's like to have lost a baby, they haven't dealt with the agony I have, yet they get to have their pregnancy and their baby and I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited that these two amazing people get to have children and I'm so excited to see how they develop and how they let their love change everything because babies are literally the best thing in the world. They'll be amazing mothers.

And I hate to be selfish, but damnit, it's my turn.
Trying. It's hard to endure. But my absolute desperation to create a little life with my sweet husband, to make him a father, to make our dreams come true is the reason I keep trying. Because I know, every disappointment and every negative test will be wiped from my memory the second my future baby is placed on my chest. It will all be worth it. It's just so hard to endure right now.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering, "Was [he] really here?

Is [he] standing in my room?"

No [he's] not, 'cause [he's] gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

-John Mayer (Dreaming with a Broken Heart)

Wedding Day

Our pictures from Naomi of my wedding day came yesterday and it was so fun to look at them.

After having dreamed and planned everything since I was 6 years old, it was so different to actually be engaged and have to actually put money into it; because we all know my dreams were too extravagant for my wallet. Vendors really take advantage of brides and grooms and overcharge for everything. Since the entire wedding came out of mostly my wallet, I really had to cut back on certain things me and Zach wanted and just tried to focus on the being married part instead of having a fancy wedding part. I got my gorgeous dress from A Closet Full of Dresses when I went down to Mesa last October, where both my sisters also got their dresses. Even though you're only at the wedding for 3 hours, I loved being able to feel like a bride longer than that by taking bridals back in January with Annie Ruby.

BEN was the one of the many highlights of the day. I hadn't heard from his parents for a week before the wedding and honestly was crying the whole ride up to the church thinking that they'd forgotten or were too busy. As my gorgeous sister and best friend helped me get my dress on, my mom came bursting in telling me Ben was there. I almost collapsed I was so happy! He'd just woken from a nap so he really didn't care for me, but by the end of the night, we were friends again. He was actually quite entertaining the whole time. He took a liking to my little niece who was quite curious about him, he played ran through the arch so many times I lost count, and so many people got to meet him and see just how incredible my sweet baby is.

Those precious moments where Ben interacts with me, especially just me and him one on one, I almost feel whole again. I am so broken, but this little boy just brings me all the joy one could ever have. Having my sister and her family there, plus my sweet husband and my beautiful baby boy and his parents, it's all I could ever ask for. I'm so grateful for everyone that came, even though it wasn't anything grand.

I LOVE BEING A HOUSTON

Mrs. Houston

 I got married! Almost a week ago now, and no, nothing feels different because we're still living in the same place living the same routine; I have a second ring on my finger and Zach can't even wear his to work. But I love being married. And I love my husband.

We got our pictures done by Annie Ruby back in January and I want to frame every single one. It was below freezing and the waterfall mist was soaking into my bones.

My sister and her family were able to come up from Arizona, my baby and his family came from the other side of the state and all the chairs were full.

Everything was completely unrehearsed and humble. I really didn't want to be performing, I just wanted to be married to him.

After our reception, we drove to Seattle and stayed in the Grand Hyatt. HUGE RECOMMEND. First off, most beautiful hotel I've ever been in. And since we walked in dressed in our wedding attire, they upgraded our room to a corner suite aka the bedroom walls were all glass and we could see all the way down to Pike Place. It was literally a slice of heaven. Me and Zach occupied ourselves with cheese and wine (apparently it tasted fine but really the wine was awful), and cold McDonald's because we waited too long to eat it. Oops. We studied the surrounding cityscape to see if we could find where "Escala" is ;) Basically, it was the happiest night of my life.

In the morning, we got to take a bath in a marble tub and lay back in the comfy bed watching the sun rise. Heaven. 

As mentioned before, Ben was able to come over to see me, so we made sure to get in a good play date before he had to leave. This was the first time my sister Jen has seen him and it was so fun watching them play together. I feel so nervous whenever Ben comes around, like any move I make towards him will be wrong and he'll turn away. He seems to like everyone else more than me (except his birth dad lol) so I like to just observe and try to memorize as much as I can. 

Jen's sweet chunk turned ONE while she was up in Seattle, so we had to do a cake smash shoot. I had never seen her so animated and excited. She usually has a shy little smirk, but today she went wild for being able to make a mess with her own personal treat. 

Chunk aka Kensleigh is one of my favorite people in the world. 

Zach and I are planning on a wonderful European honeymoon later this year, so we didn't plan anything much for our days off besides maybe a little side trip somewhere. We decided on Portland, and wanted to go all out and see if we could top our experience at the Hyatt. We drove down on Sunday, checked into The Nines (and got another upgrade since we told them we were honeymooning) then went immediately to Bdub's and ate lots of wings! We were going to go shopping in downtown, but apparently Portland closes at 6pm. Bad impression of the city #1. Back to our expensive hotel we went. But hey, it's our honeymoon so we found stuff to do ;) 

The next day we wanted to do the things Pinterest told me was awesome in Portland.

We went to Blue Star donuts, and I got the Horchata glazed donut (super good, but not worth $3 or a drive to PDX)  Zach's blueberry thing was stale. Basically, bad impression of the city #2.

Next, the book lover that I am begged Zach to go to Powell's City of Books, a huge new and used bookstore. It was awesome. It smelled like books. There were tons of rooms for the different genres. I was too overwhelmed so I got Water For Elephants and The Screwtape Letters. And a key chain. Zach was patient as I critiqued his picture taking skills of me faking reading. 

I was kind of worn out from being let down by this supposedly cool city (and not being able to find street parking, seriously, I'm a scrawny woman, I don't like dark parking garages even though my husband is a giant who will protect me) so we went back to our expensive hotel to take a nap. Aka watch Avatar for three and a half hours while husband slept. We had dinner in our hotel and it was expensive AF but good enough. Okay let's be real, Zach can cook me food better than that for less moolah.

Tuesday morning, we happily packed up our bags, ate some breakfast then scurried to the car. It was down pouring. Perfect Pacific North West weather. 

Our first stop was the Portland temple. I forgot how gorgeous it is. They thankfully had a visitors center, and two sister missionaries talked to Zach and I and brought us around the temple. We don't talk about religion much because we have different opinions, and he had firmly expressed to me he wouldn't be converting. Which I'm totally fine with. I like the whole idea of  you do you and let me do me. But you just have to share the beauty of the temples with people as much as you can. I haven't been inside since I was seventeen, before I became pregnant. There is such an intense, humbling spirit there just like what I feel when I'm in Arizona (it was so strong in AZ, even just at Deseret Book.) 

Then on to Multnomah Falls. Way smaller than I thought it would be. Ugh maybe I'm too pessimistic to like this city (bad impression of the city #7000) but I mean it was subpar. I like falls that I can hike to and get in and aren't basic. There's this fall on the road to this one called Horseshoe and even that one was cooler. But hey, crossed it off my bucket list.

In summary, if you go to Portland, go in the summer time, go to the rose garden and the temple. Don't eat donuts (Voodoo isn't even going to be mentioned becuase it was boring and loud and dirty and hipster/ghetto which is somehow a thing in Portland.) 

Stay at the Grand Hyatt in Seattle and wear lots of white lace.

And love your husband.

And hold your babies tighter for me. 

 

Life

Today is my sweet Benjamin’s second birthday. It is truly bittersweet. 

His life has changed me in every way possible, and celebrating it makes my heart leap with joy.

Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Holding, providing and loving his little life inside of me will always be my favorite memory. From him being just a thought in my mind, to being a sweet baby who kicked me far too often in the ribs, and then to this perfect life that stared at me as I fed him; his LIFE was my everything. Benjamin gave me a will to live, a purpose to continue on every day and provide for him. And now, I live to share little days and small moments with him, hoping and praying and pleading that I continue to be a part of his life.

Dear Ben, I hope you know how much I love you. I assure you, it’s more than you will ever fathom.

March for women babies life.

There’s a quote from my favorite movie, Seven Pounds, that sums up how I’m feeling in this exact moment: “Is it true that you said that you do not believe that you even deserve a heart because your life is unremarkable in every way?... "Unremarkable" would be an upgrade for me I assure you.”

Every morning, I wake up excited to go to work. I go to work, I try my best, and I feel accomplished at the end of the day. When I get home, I'm excited to have me time to read, or watch that silly show everyone makes fun of me for watching, because I just had a successful day and I deserve the reward. I stay busy, purposeful, so that the sadness doesn't creep back in. Am I a happy person? I don't think so. But goodness, I'm having so many good days, way more than bad days. It's finally become good days with bad moments, instead of just plain old bad days.

Mine and my fiance's wedding is coming up in a few short weeks. I cannot explain to you how exited I am. I have loved and cherished these past six months with him and I can't wait for more. I feel it's okay to have questions when deciding something so grand. I don't question going forward, I just question my capability to gracefully adapt to being unable to push this man away from me. Because despite my harsh words, horrible mood swings and horrible outlook on life, I want so badly to have this man tied to me forever. I have a bad habit of hurting people, and then pushing them away to wallow in my own misery--and it's so confusing to me that he stays even though he can see what I'm trying to do that. How could I pass that up? How could I turn away from honest to goodness true love? I can't. I don't want to. And I know it's mutual. This whole love is so mutual. Mutually crazy, and mutually impatient and temperamental. But our love is going to create us a good life. 

Forgive me for what I say when I'm in an off moment. I promise, I'm getting better. And you know, maybe in a week, I'll look back and scoff and this brief moment of positivity, but hell I just feel so good about where I am right now. 

And next time you want to ask me whether I'm happy, please, by all means, get pregnant with the love of your life, then watch as he and him and everything gets ripped away from you, then try putting yourself back together without medication or useless therapy. I think I'm doing a damn good job. Because I'm still constantly trying every day. And that's more than just existing. That's living. And that's a feat in and of itself in this cold, cruel world. 

Photo from the Instagram of Talk About Adoption