Just Biological

Ann, Derek and baby Ben, who isn't a fan of bright sunlight

I know that counts for a lot, because without that there would be no Ben. But now it’s official.

This past memorial weekend, Ben was sealed to his adoptive parents in the Los Angeles temple. This was a big deal for me. When I first looked into adoption, it was definitely a necessity that the parents were temple worthy so that they could be sealed together. The adoption process went pretty quickly, only taking two months where others can take much, much longer. He is officially all theirs now.

Proud daddy at Ben's baby blessing

 But pretty much, Ben is the cutest thing ever. He’s a little over three months old now, he has the biggest head ever, and therefore an invisible neck. And they were able to record his first laugh! Derek is such an amazing dad and has been looking forward to making Ben laugh since before he was even born. I am SO excited to hear it in person though. I know that eventually, children laugh at practically everything unless they’re crying, but it’s so much sweeter because it’ll be such a rare opportunity for me.

Hopefully, at the end of June, they’ll be traveling here as part of a new agreement that I can see Ben four times a year. I am so excited: because I get to see him again (duh), because my best friend can see him for the first time (she was angry that he “decided” to be born the day after she went back to school), and because my dad even agreed to meeting Ben and his parents, which if you know him and our relationship, is a HUGE step forward.

While I was working the other day, I saw another girl my age very pregnant. And I admit it still pulls my heartstrings. I don’t have to wonder if she’ll parent, because it’s pretty obvious to me that most everyone I see will parent. I’m that rare .00001%. But honestly, good for her. Motherhood is wonderful, and no one ever regrets having their baby so she’ll figure it out.

If on mobile: https://www.dropbox.com/s/cxgnk5lkf96veck/Bens%201st%20laugh.mp4?dl=0

I would love to be and advocate for adoption, to go around and inform girls and women of their options when they find themselves in an unexpected pregnancy. I just want people to know that their bodies can handle so much more than they think, that no one regrets having their baby, and that there are so many couples out there that are unable to have their own children but would pay anything to raise yours. Becoming informed, even if you don’t choose adoption, will change your perspective of parenthood and also the miracle that is our bodies. 

Strong, sturdy legs

Where is his neck?

Am I Asking Too Much?

Coming up with an adoption plan is the hardest thing ever besides going through with adoption. There are so many fragile feelings to consider. I want to see him all the time, but he doesn't want to, and I don't want to make the parents feel like I'm barging into their lives, but he's my baby, but he's their baby, and what if Ben doesn't like me? So confusing. And we're all walking on eggshells wondering if what we're doing is okay or if it's offending the other party. Sometimes I wish I could be the blunt person I once was in order to get my point across, but sometimes letting all your guards down like that means you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

So am I asking too much by saying I want to see my son at least four times a year? I personally think no. After all it is only a three and a half hour drive. After all he is my son. But since my ability to see him depends on other people driving (boyfriend or baby's parents) I have to think of their wants and willingness. Driving six hours in one day is very long, especially after an emotionally taxing visit. So the idea of asking them to drive here or asking boyfriend to drive me there seemed like I was being a nuisance.

But then I read another birthmother's blog. For the six weeks she was on maternity leave, she was able to visit with her baby for a full day every week. After these six weeks, she went on to see her baby for a full day every month, and that has continued for the last eight months.
Then a woman that I met at my birthmother's meetings placed her baby for adoption a week after me, and even though the family lives in Utah, she went down to see her, and will soon be moving back to Utah to be able to visit her monthly.

I've never been truly envious before. Everyone is making me feel like four times a year is just way too much to see Ben. "You don't need to see him." "You placed him for adoption, just let them live their life now." "Move on." "He's part of their family now. He's their son." "You can have more kids later."

Thanks guys. It's not like I have emotions.

The one time that I got to visit Ben was for a whopping five hours. All the mothers/women/people-with-feelings out there, just imagine that for me, being able to see your only child for five hours, and the next time you'll get to see him is in the indefinite future. But then also imagine watching everyone else get to see their babies way more. Watch women that don't fully appreciate the gift of motherhood ignore their child's love and attention.

I don't mean to complain, I just wish that I could see Ben more. I want to feel like he's mine in some way. I want to know him. Or at least recognize him.

Hug your little ones a little tighter for me. And cherish their drawings and messy fingers and messy everything. Because I crave that like nothing else.

Motherhood

“Motherhood means unconditional love, no matter the distance or DNA.” – Tabitha Nilsen

It has been a long three months for me. To say that I miss Benjamin would be a huge understatement. For the entire first month, I cried every day. I thought it would never end.

“Motherhood, to me, means doing everything in my power to allow my children the chance to thrive in all aspects of life even if that meant recognizing that they would have merely survived with me.” – Sarah Noelle

After I told my “friends” that not only was I pregnant, but that I placed baby for adoption, I got so many mixed comments. Some people continued to shame me even though I did a wonderful thing; they even went as far as shaming my friends for continuing to be my friend. Others were really wonderful about supporting me even though they didn’t understand what I was going through.

He makes silly little faces. And I just want to squish his cheeks the whole time.
Wait, that's exactly what we did!

Open adoption is wonderful thing. I can’t imagine the world of closed adoption where you never get to see your baby ever again. So far in my adoption plan, I’ve been getting pictures every week, I can talk to them whenever I want, and I also got to go see him. That was an experience. I was beyond excited when the day finally arrived, but I was so upset. I knew absolutely nothing about my own baby: how he likes to be held, what his cries mean, when he eats, when he sleeps and for how long. It really hurt, I felt so unattached to the point that I had to work to remember he’s my baby. What was even worse was the fact I didn’t even recognize him. He was so different; granted he looked just like the pictures, but he looked nothing like the baby I held in the hospital. Can you even imagine not recognizing your own baby? I was absolutely heartbroken. It took me two hours to finally find an angle where I thought maybe he looked the same. He’d gained 4 pounds, grew 5 inches and actually had his eyes open. He was a totally different baby.

“Everyone thinks adoption is about giving up a life, when to me I didn’t give up anything. I gave my [son] everything when I chose to carry [him], chose two parents who could give [him] everything and chose to continue to be a part of [him] life through open adoption.” – Ashley Paulson

My saving grace throughout this journey has been a Birthmother’s group meeting with women just like me who are both pregnant and considering adoption or have already placed. We can just sit there for two hours and talk about our birthing experience and our adoption experience. I’ve been to two now and it has made all the difference in my healing process. Empathy goes a long way. 

“I am a Birthmother and I can tell you there is nothing more heartbreaking, but along with the heartbreak comes gratitude and thankfulness.” – Hope O Baker

The journey has just begun and it will continue to hurt for years to come because I will never forget the beautiful life I created and placed in other arms. I just can't wait for the day when Ben recognizes me and loves me.