Motherhood

“Motherhood means unconditional love, no matter the distance or DNA.” – Tabitha Nilsen

It has been a long three months for me. To say that I miss Benjamin would be a huge understatement. For the entire first month, I cried every day. I thought it would never end.

“Motherhood, to me, means doing everything in my power to allow my children the chance to thrive in all aspects of life even if that meant recognizing that they would have merely survived with me.” – Sarah Noelle

After I told my “friends” that not only was I pregnant, but that I placed baby for adoption, I got so many mixed comments. Some people continued to shame me even though I did a wonderful thing; they even went as far as shaming my friends for continuing to be my friend. Others were really wonderful about supporting me even though they didn’t understand what I was going through.

He makes silly little faces. And I just want to squish his cheeks the whole time.
Wait, that's exactly what we did!

Open adoption is wonderful thing. I can’t imagine the world of closed adoption where you never get to see your baby ever again. So far in my adoption plan, I’ve been getting pictures every week, I can talk to them whenever I want, and I also got to go see him. That was an experience. I was beyond excited when the day finally arrived, but I was so upset. I knew absolutely nothing about my own baby: how he likes to be held, what his cries mean, when he eats, when he sleeps and for how long. It really hurt, I felt so unattached to the point that I had to work to remember he’s my baby. What was even worse was the fact I didn’t even recognize him. He was so different; granted he looked just like the pictures, but he looked nothing like the baby I held in the hospital. Can you even imagine not recognizing your own baby? I was absolutely heartbroken. It took me two hours to finally find an angle where I thought maybe he looked the same. He’d gained 4 pounds, grew 5 inches and actually had his eyes open. He was a totally different baby.

“Everyone thinks adoption is about giving up a life, when to me I didn’t give up anything. I gave my [son] everything when I chose to carry [him], chose two parents who could give [him] everything and chose to continue to be a part of [him] life through open adoption.” – Ashley Paulson

My saving grace throughout this journey has been a Birthmother’s group meeting with women just like me who are both pregnant and considering adoption or have already placed. We can just sit there for two hours and talk about our birthing experience and our adoption experience. I’ve been to two now and it has made all the difference in my healing process. Empathy goes a long way. 

“I am a Birthmother and I can tell you there is nothing more heartbreaking, but along with the heartbreak comes gratitude and thankfulness.” – Hope O Baker

The journey has just begun and it will continue to hurt for years to come because I will never forget the beautiful life I created and placed in other arms. I just can't wait for the day when Ben recognizes me and loves me.