Adoption

So many questions have been circling in my mind for the past months. And I finally think I narrowed it down to three questions. I put these questions on my Facebook account to try to get some answers; I later took it down to avoid more scrutiny.

1: Why is adoption seen so negatively?

As my friend Sarah said, “People are afraid of what they don’t know.” What people don’t understand is how adoption is pretty much the only way for everything to work out for everybody involved in the end. Most of the opinions that were shared with me came from the perspective of the adopted child: not knowing why they were given away, not understanding their genetics, feeling like a mistake, weren’t good enough for their bio-parents, or being left in the dark for too long about being adopted. That’s great and all, but it’s very closed minded. You see, these types of comments would only come from a child in a closed adoption, meaning absolutely no contact or share of information after the day of placement until the child turns 18. That’s not really how it works anymore. In adoptions now a day, the birthmother can choose how open she wants the adoption: closed, semi-open (information is shared via email, may visit once but as a “family friend”), or open. Most women choose open, so the child is much more informed about how they came to be where they are and there are less hard feelings. There’s less anger when all your question are, or can easily be answered. If Ben ever had a question about why I placed him for adoption, he could easily call me.

 

               Adoption isn’t a bad thing; it’s difficult and overwhelming, but it’s not a bad thing. 

“There are times when the adoption process is exhausting and painful and makes you want to scream. But, I am told, so does childbirth” –Scott Simon

               But what I don’t understand is that the scrutiny comes from adults to the expectant mother with disgusting questions: “Why aren’t you keeping it?” “Do you even know who the father is?” and especially, “I’ll still be friends with you.”

2: Why is adoption hardly considered when a woman is choosing what to do in an unexpected pregnancy?

In my opinion, it’s because we are an ignorant people that no matter how many resources are out there for us to become informed, we choose to only listen to the popular or expected route. I was one of those people at first, thinking “Well duh I’m not going to kill my baby, so obviously I’m going to parent.” Ignorant little me got a wakeup call when that wasn’t really a plausible option for me anymore. So I used my resources and now we have our little happily ever after. One of my favorite things I’ve learned from this journey is that somewhere out there, a woman regrets aborting her baby. But can you find me a woman who regrets bringing their child into this world? We all hear stories of dramatic labors where the mother’s life and her unborn baby’s life is at risk, and the woman tells her husband to save the child before saving her. *Cue relentless weeping*

Adoption information pamphlets should be a thing, at doctor’s offices, in health class, at abortion clinics. Adoption information should be everywhere. There is absolutely no harm in being informed, but there is terrible harm (and death) in being uninformed.

The average woman will live 81.2 years, or 974.4 months. Pregnancy lasts 9 months. Labor lasts one day, let's say. To keep your pregnancy and birth your child, it will have taken up .09% of your life. Placing your child with a couple who yearns for a child will make 100% of their lives. Because when you get to that point of desperation, it becomes your only want, even a necessity. Yes, non-medicated labor hurts, but I forgot the pain the second they put Ben on my stomach. It's so worth it. 

3: Why is it considered a “mother’s worst nightmare” if her daughter becomes pregnant out of wedlock?

               Oh. The. Horror. An innocent, cute, squishy baby. I mean let’s just ignore the blessings and happiness a child is and will bring to your life. Let’s ignore the knowledge, and maturity the mother will gain. Let’s ignore the blessing the mother could give to another couple who can’t have children through adoption.

               I asked my mother this question. Do you know what her worst nightmare is for me? Getting kidnapped, assaulted, becoming paralyzed, and DYING. Nowhere on that list was getting pregnant. Yes she was a little shocked, but my pregnancy wasn’t even a bad thing, much less a worst nightmare.