351 Days Later...

       I am so depressed.

       The other day, I walked around buying clothes for my new niece. Simple, right? Baby clothes are adorable. And usually I can handle it—if I don’t look at any of the boy clothes.

       But this day was unbearable. I made the mistake of going to Babies-R-Us. There were pregnant women everywhere. There was way too much happiness everywhere. There were husbands supporting their pregnant wives.

       I started looking around, thinking about how cute Ben would look it this or that. I found things that I used during my pregnancy or the couple weeks after.

       Guys, he’s going to be a year old in two weeks. How can that be? How can the world have kept turning for an entire year?

       Ann sent me some pictures and a video the other week, and I couldn’t even be happy.

       So I read something the other night about a woman's story of her stillborn daughter. Yes, I understand that Ben is still alive, but I feel every single word that she says, excluding the support. She said one thing that really grabbed at my heart, "getting ready to deliver but not wanting to because all you want is to have your baby a little longer." When I realized I was in labor, I cried and cried because I knew that my allotted amount of time was up, that they would take him from me the second they could; and they did.

       How can I even be happy anymore? I miss my baby so much. I feel like screaming every second of every day. Even I don’t understand the amount of pain I’m feeling. I don’t understand how I’m still surviving.

       Nothing makes sense anymore. I can't handle the pain, the pity. I've become so bitter about everyone else's woes. 

       I don’t really want this particular life.