Trying, Trying; and Trying

Trying- adjective: hard to endure.

 

I think there's a beauty in the fact that the verb trying usually coincides with the adjective trying.

I've had this post on my mind for months now, and I was waiting for the right time to announce it but that time hasn't come.

As a recap, when I became pregnant when I was 17, it was unplanned and very, very early into my sexual relations with my boyfriend. I knew about ovulation, I knew about birth control and prevention, but since I didn't want to be sexually active, and because of the stigma with my parents and my religion I knew I would not be able to fully protect myself from pregnancy without the guilt tripping and shaming- despite them knowing that I didn't even want sex. I knew I was only 17, I knew I was still a child and I knew I was worth more than to just be some fuckable girl (obviously boyfriend didn't see that.) But something really changed inside me when I found out I was pregnant. Not only was it a dream come true, but just a little early, it was something I knew I was going to put my whole heart into and fully realize that this is only a blessing and it would never be a bad thing.

When I met Zach, we had a lot of conversations about family and the future and having children and what love really means to me. I thought I knew what love was based off of how I felt towards my boyfriend, but when they put your child that you've grown inside of you after nine months on your chest, you realize that up to that day you had never known true love.

I've been desperate to have a baby since before Ben was even born because I knew that they were going to take him from me. I wanted to have another baby with Andrew, I wanted to take my birth control out and just get pregnant with anybody, and then when I met Zach I wanted to get married and start a family right away because I knew that he was the one- he'd be a phenomenal and fun loving dad, present in his children's lives; never cruel, and no loud yelling. He had a similar dream, and so we started to really talk about how we could make it all happen. We got engaged, planned a wedding, and got married, and still made time for each other despite each of us working 45 hour weeks on opposite schedules. We fell in love so quickly.

On my bad days, I would beg him to let me have a baby. He would try to reassure me that we could take out my birth control soon, we can try for a baby soon. He promised me that I would be a mother very very soon to a baby that no one could take from me. On the good days, I relished in all his love and attention and dreamed of seeing the world together and building a home IKEA would be proud of together- and then having babies. The dreams would go back and forth with my mood.

Finally the day came when I made the doctors appointment to get my IUD taken out. And we tried the first month and the next month and the next month. The depth of disappointment I felt as I took countless pregnancy tests after being a week late but still not pregnant is something I'll never be able to fully understand.

On February 8th, I finally got two blue lines I'd been begging for for 2 years. I was five weeks pregnant. My heart was shaking though- something inside me told me to not be excited. My brain and heart fighting for emotions, mixed with desperation, depression and hope. Maybe, just maybe all my dreams will come true, maybe this is finally a reality I can endure.

Due date- October 13th, 2017

Two days later, I went to the Urgent Care and got tested for the flu and for my pregnancy. Positive for both! The doctor gave me baby-safe medicines and told me to get my free flu shot next season (my bad- this was literally the one year I didn't get it.)

On Saturday I woke up, and saw blood. I was screaming in my head. No. Not me. Why me. Why is it always me. Why can't I just have a baby. I'm healthy. I want this more than anyone. I've worked to be worthy of this. And then the cramping pain started. And I knew I was miscarrying.

I didn't think it would hurt as bad as it did since I wasn't very far along. Yet it did, and it managed to crush my spirit and my dreams, and my sweet baby.

I fought for you

The hardest, it made me the strongest

I just can't stand to see you leaving

But heaven couldn't wait for you

So go on, go home

-Beyoncé (Heaven)

Life doesn't stop when you're grieving. Life keeps going, and not only does it keep going, it throws things in your face to show you just how unfortunate and unlucky you are and how blessed everybody else is. The same day that I started to miscarry my child was the day I had to go into a room of happy women to celebrate my bridal shower. I really wanted to enjoy it. I really wanted to focus on how amazing Zach is and how amazing we are together and all of our dreams together-but I'm sitting there in pain, crying because my baby is being crushed. I left work early the next day because the physical pain was unbearable. I've gotten really good at hiding my emotions, and dealing with the emotional pain that comes with losing a baby, so that part really surprised people when I told them, because they didn't even realize-I still looked "okay". I'm an expert on losing babies. Of course I'm "okay".

And so we kept trying and trying.

Nothing.

Oh, you're just a small bump unknown, you'll grow into your skin.

With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.

Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice,

And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide

'Cause you were just a small bump unborn for months then torn from life.

Maybe you were needed up there but we're still unaware as why.

-Ed Sheeran (Small Bump)

It is so hard to not be angry. It is so hard to not hate the two women (so far) that I know that just posted they're due in October. They don't know what it's like to have lost a baby, they haven't dealt with the agony I have, yet they get to have their pregnancy and their baby and I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I'm so excited that these two amazing people get to have children and I'm so excited to see how they develop and how they let their love change everything because babies are literally the best thing in the world. They'll be amazing mothers.

And I hate to be selfish, but damnit, it's my turn.
Trying. It's hard to endure. But my absolute desperation to create a little life with my sweet husband, to make him a father, to make our dreams come true is the reason I keep trying. Because I know, every disappointment and every negative test will be wiped from my memory the second my future baby is placed on my chest. It will all be worth it. It's just so hard to endure right now.

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

You roll outta bed and down on your knees

And for a moment you can hardly breathe

Wondering, "Was [he] really here?

Is [he] standing in my room?"

No [he's] not, 'cause [he's] gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

-John Mayer (Dreaming with a Broken Heart)