I haven't given a talk in church for 5 years, and a lot has changed since I was 16, so I was so glad I got to go up to the pulpit today and share my experiences about finding peace in this turbulent world. I have to admit, that I honestly (and obviously) haven't found my peace yet with God, but I know where I can find it, and one day, when I'm ready, I'll reach out to Him and try.
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Emma Lou Thayne wrote some beautiful lyrics that turned into
one heart-wrenching hymn, and they sound even more so when you’re not actually
singing them.
Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself
apart, Searching my soul?
When my aching grows, When I languish, in my need to know,
where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can
understand?
Who could
POSSIBLY understand?!
When I was 17 years old, I had a boyfriend who I loved so
much. Nearing the end of high school, he began raping me, and within a month, I
was pregnant. I was in a constant state of worry, anxiety, depression and every
other bad thing you can think of when everyone turns against you and you’re
already in a fragile state. I was excited to be a mother, it’s something I
always wanted. But I had no support from my family or my boyfriend and his
family.
No one was there to make me whole. I had a wounded heart, anger and malice and
I didn’t know where to run to calm my anguish. Who could possibly understand? Emma Lou Thayne continues her
lyrics;
He, only One.
He answers privately, Reaches my reaching,
In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
Constant he is and kind, Love without end.
Our Savior, our anchor, Jesus Christ. He is everything. Through
the plan of salvation, and Christ’s atonement, we can turn to him for peace
from every type of suffering because he is the one person who can understand.
He has felt our pain, anguish, anger and afflictions.
As I was nearing the end of my first trimester of pregnancy,
I was really digging for answers from God. I was putting so much faith in Him
to help me as I stood alone in my trial. I wanted to be this baby’s mother so
bad, but I knew I needed help. I had always assumed that parenting was what I
would do, because I knew I didn’t want to lose him in adoption. But deep
inside, I wanted this baby to have two parents who were so in love with each
other, and who would be sealed to him. I wanted this for me and my boyfriend,
assuming we could get married and eventually he could convert and we would all
be sealed together. That was plan A. And if that wouldn’t happen, I guess I
could I would try out Plan B, adoption. So one awful night, I went to God and
begged him for the answer to the biggest question of my entire life; who will
be my baby’s parents? I told him of my plan A, and immediately felt this
horrible knot grow inside my stomach; so, naturally I burst into tears. I
continued pleading with him, telling him I would be a selfless mother who would
do anything for the welfare of this baby. The knot just grew tighter and
tighter. I didn’t want to do adoption. I told Him that, I begged him to find me
a Plan C, anything but losing my baby. And then came in a scripture into my
head as I was praying: Luke 22: 41-44 “And kneeled down, and prayed, Saying,
Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup (adoption) from me: nevertheless
not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from
heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly.”
I decided to put my burdens in his hands, and through endless
amounts of faith, I would follow through with whatever he told me was best for
my baby. The next day, I had an impression to look up the LDS adoptions
website, and much to my dismay, was immediately drawn to a perfect couple who
matched all my specific criteria, and everything more. This was my answer. Heavenly
Father directed me to my child’s parents. He directed my child away from me. He
answered my prayers, too obviously to ignore. And since I promised Him in my
prayer that I’d follow through with whatever he answered with, that day became
the end of any peace.
Over the months and years since having to give Benjamin to
his parents, I’ve constantly been looking around for peace. I fell away from
the church because I was overcome with anguish and anger, all the time thinking
in my head that there’s no way I can come here when the one time I truly prayed
and trusted Heavenly Father, He broke my heart. I tried turning to find peace
in my work, completely dedicating myself to the job and excelling at it; but
work isn’t as fulfilling as being a mother. I tried to find peace in leaving my
old relationship and trying new ones, but those too were not fulfilling. I felt
completely and utterly stuck. I went to a therapist for a couple sessions, but
I found no peace talking about my grief when I knew nothing would change, that
I couldn’t undo the adoption.
A lot of the messages that I’ve studied the past two weeks spoke
of how turning away from the transgressions and disobedience that brought you
the unhappiness and then choosing to be righteous and follow Christ will help
you find peace; but how can you find peace when you are suffering due to the
misuse of agency by others? Where can you find peace when you’ve given it to
God, and you still lost?
The answer? He, only one. Christ’s atonement is so complete.
There are two parts of the atonement that we can use to find peace, and those
are the redeeming power of the repentance
process, and the renewing power of healing.
And I want to focus on those two things.
When I was going through my trial, I was told by church
leaders to go through the repentance process. In the back of my head, I was
confused because the wrong that had been done wasn’t my choice, why should I
feel guilty and have to say sorry to God? Then I was taught that the renewing
power of the Atonement, and that that is what the leaders had meant, hopefully.
When we transgress, and lose our peace, if we allow the guilt
to move us to humility, we can go to Heavenly Father and repent of our sins,
promising we’ll never do it again, and be free of the burden. Christ gave his
life to atone for the sins of all mankind. His was a great gift in behalf of
all that would ever live upon the earth. For every sin we repent for, there can
be various magnitudes of change of heart needed. President Spencer W Kimball
taught: “To every forgiveness there
is a condition. The plaster must be as wide as the sore. The fasting, the prayers,
the humility must be equal to or greater than the sin.” I think
that is so special and important. We will be able to find peace and ease our
guilt and suffering if we draw near to God, learn of his commandments, and
follow them more closely. Christ’s teachings are a message of peace and
goodwill. If we study them, decipher the analogies and parables and truly take
them to heart, we can change our whole perspective into a more peaceful one.
Gordon B Hinckley said that “God is weaving his tapestry according to his own
grand design. All flesh is in his hands. It is our responsibility and our
opportunity to be at peace in our minds and in our hearts, and to know that he
is God, that this is his work, and that he will not permit it to fail.” To make
His atonement fully effective in our lives, we must strive to obey him and
repent of our sins; or else the pain that he suffered for us will be in vain,
until we do.
The healing, or renewing, process has been so special to me
in this trial. When Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, the pains
caused by others were included in the sacrifice. I ache knowing that all the
things that I’ve felt, Christ had to feel too. He truly is my Savior and
friend. In Doctrine & Covenants 19:16-18 it reads: “For behold, I, God,
have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would
repent; but if they would not repent, they must suffer even as I; which
suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain,
and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I
might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—“ Then later in verse 23; “Learn of
me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall
have peace in me.”
When I met my husband, I’d been inactive for the better part
of two years, and was still quite angry with God. I never expected to
reactivate anytime soon, maybe just when I had kids because I wanted them to be
raised in the gospel. But, one Sunday, we went to church together. And it felt
SO good. I hadn’t had the Spirit as my constant companion for too long, but the
meeting brought me to tears. Zach and I looked at each other when we got to the
car, and we both agreed how good we felt, just so good all the way to our
insides. We felt the peace and love of Christ in our hearts.
We now attend most Sundays, and take lessons from the Sister
missionaries. When they first approached me about coming and “visiting” with
us, I was wary; I knew their plan, I’d been a part of it before when I went on
splits with them when I was a young woman. I didn’t know how Zach would take
it, but worse, I was scared that they would soften my heart to God. It sounds
silly that I should wish to keep my hardened heart, but it is so much simpler
to be bitter than to attempt to accept my fate. Week after week, they began
chipping away at me, and through their challenges to Zach, I was forced to also
dive into the gospel with him so I could help him understand the teachings.
Very quickly, I became passionate about hearing more from our Heavenly Father
through the scriptures, and teaching Zach all the wonderful intricacies of this
gospel. Gordon B Hinckley told of how: “Tragedy is around, yes. But… you can’t,
you don’t build out of pessimism or cynicism. Do not despair. Do not give up.
Walk with faith. The Lord’s plan is a plan of happiness. The way will be
lighter, the worries will be fewer… if we cultivate a spirit of happiness.” If
we earnestly try to.
I know where I can
find peace, I know I just have to reach out for it, and Christ will “reach my
reaching”. He is our friend! When we let Christ into our hearts, and really get
to be friends with him, we can have peace and happiness in our lives, despite
trials that surely will come. Our daily
conversations with Heavenly Father can bring peace into our hearts and a joy
into our lives.
One of the many names that we have for Jesus Christ is “Anchor”. There is a
song, written by Jenny Phillips that speaks to me so deeply, and I wanted to
share some of the lyrics with you, because I couldn’t write it better myself.
“I feel like I’m drifting in a starless night. I’m barely holding on to the
light. I close my eyes and try to find thee. Anchor me. Make me strong somehow
when I start to lose thy path, hold on to me. I want to be done drifting,
anchor me. I’m longing for the faith deep enough, that when the water pulls, I
won’t move. I want to stay, forever faithful.” When we learn to rely on the
Lord, and give it all to him, He will hold onto us, and through faith, we can
trust in his plan; for surely He knows more than we do.
“Constant He is and kind, love without end”. This line is where I have found
the most peace for Ben. The answer to my prayer, though quite damaging to me,
has proved to have given my sweet child so much love without end. Ben is so
loved by so many people. He has wonderful parents; both Ben and I are so
blessed to have them as family. He has Heavenly Father watching over him, a
huge extended family only a call away, and two angel half-siblings waiting to
meet him in heaven. And of course, I will love him with all of my heart every
moment of every day. When I think about how beautiful and happy he is, I can’t
help but smile along too, and know that since this is what God wanted me to do two
and a half years ago, he wants it this way still today, as part of the plan of
happiness for Ben’s life.
“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you… Let not
your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27
I say these things, humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
