Where Can I Turn For Peace?

I haven't given a talk in church for 5 years, and a lot has changed since I was 16, so I was so glad I got to go up to the pulpit today and share my experiences about finding peace in this turbulent world. I have to admit, that I honestly (and obviously) haven't found my peace yet with God, but I know where I can find it, and one day, when I'm ready, I'll reach out to Him and try.

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Emma Lou Thayne wrote some beautiful lyrics that turned into one heart-wrenching hymn, and they sound even more so when you’re not actually singing them.

Where is my solace When other sources cease to make me whole?

When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, Searching my soul?

When my aching grows, When I languish, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand?

Who could POSSIBLY understand?!

When I was 17 years old, I had a boyfriend who I loved so much. Nearing the end of high school, he began raping me, and within a month, I was pregnant. I was in a constant state of worry, anxiety, depression and every other bad thing you can think of when everyone turns against you and you’re already in a fragile state. I was excited to be a mother, it’s something I always wanted. But I had no support from my family or my boyfriend and his family. 

No one was there to make me whole. I had a wounded heart, anger and malice and I didn’t know where to run to calm my anguish. Who could possibly understand? Emma Lou Thayne continues her lyrics;

He, only One.

He answers privately, Reaches my reaching,

In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.

Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.

Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

Our Savior, our anchor, Jesus Christ. He is everything. Through the plan of salvation, and Christ’s atonement, we can turn to him for peace from every type of suffering because he is the one person who can understand. He has felt our pain, anguish, anger and afflictions.

As I was nearing the end of my first trimester of pregnancy, I was really digging for answers from God. I was putting so much faith in Him to help me as I stood alone in my trial. I wanted to be this baby’s mother so bad, but I knew I needed help. I had always assumed that parenting was what I would do, because I knew I didn’t want to lose him in adoption. But deep inside, I wanted this baby to have two parents who were so in love with each other, and who would be sealed to him. I wanted this for me and my boyfriend, assuming we could get married and eventually he could convert and we would all be sealed together. That was plan A. And if that wouldn’t happen, I guess I could I would try out Plan B, adoption. So one awful night, I went to God and begged him for the answer to the biggest question of my entire life; who will be my baby’s parents? I told him of my plan A, and immediately felt this horrible knot grow inside my stomach; so, naturally I burst into tears. I continued pleading with him, telling him I would be a selfless mother who would do anything for the welfare of this baby. The knot just grew tighter and tighter. I didn’t want to do adoption. I told Him that, I begged him to find me a Plan C, anything but losing my baby. And then came in a scripture into my head as I was praying: Luke 22: 41-44 “And kneeled down, and prayed, Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup (adoption) from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly.”

I decided to put my burdens in his hands, and through endless amounts of faith, I would follow through with whatever he told me was best for my baby. The next day, I had an impression to look up the LDS adoptions website, and much to my dismay, was immediately drawn to a perfect couple who matched all my specific criteria, and everything more. This was my answer. Heavenly Father directed me to my child’s parents. He directed my child away from me. He answered my prayers, too obviously to ignore. And since I promised Him in my prayer that I’d follow through with whatever he answered with, that day became the end of any peace.

Over the months and years since having to give Benjamin to his parents, I’ve constantly been looking around for peace. I fell away from the church because I was overcome with anguish and anger, all the time thinking in my head that there’s no way I can come here when the one time I truly prayed and trusted Heavenly Father, He broke my heart. I tried turning to find peace in my work, completely dedicating myself to the job and excelling at it; but work isn’t as fulfilling as being a mother. I tried to find peace in leaving my old relationship and trying new ones, but those too were not fulfilling. I felt completely and utterly stuck. I went to a therapist for a couple sessions, but I found no peace talking about my grief when I knew nothing would change, that I couldn’t undo the adoption.

A lot of the messages that I’ve studied the past two weeks spoke of how turning away from the transgressions and disobedience that brought you the unhappiness and then choosing to be righteous and follow Christ will help you find peace; but how can you find peace when you are suffering due to the misuse of agency by others? Where can you find peace when you’ve given it to God, and you still lost?

The answer? He, only one. Christ’s atonement is so complete. There are two parts of the atonement that we can use to find peace, and those are the redeeming power of the repentance process, and the renewing power of healing. And I want to focus on those two things.

When I was going through my trial, I was told by church leaders to go through the repentance process. In the back of my head, I was confused because the wrong that had been done wasn’t my choice, why should I feel guilty and have to say sorry to God? Then I was taught that the renewing power of the Atonement, and that that is what the leaders had meant, hopefully.

When we transgress, and lose our peace, if we allow the guilt to move us to humility, we can go to Heavenly Father and repent of our sins, promising we’ll never do it again, and be free of the burden. Christ gave his life to atone for the sins of all mankind. His was a great gift in behalf of all that would ever live upon the earth. For every sin we repent for, there can be various magnitudes of change of heart needed. President Spencer W Kimball taught: “To every forgiveness there is a condition. The plaster must be as wide as the sore. The fasting, the prayers, the humility must be equal to or greater than the sin.” I think that is so special and important. We will be able to find peace and ease our guilt and suffering if we draw near to God, learn of his commandments, and follow them more closely. Christ’s teachings are a message of peace and goodwill. If we study them, decipher the analogies and parables and truly take them to heart, we can change our whole perspective into a more peaceful one. Gordon B Hinckley said that “God is weaving his tapestry according to his own grand design. All flesh is in his hands. It is our responsibility and our opportunity to be at peace in our minds and in our hearts, and to know that he is God, that this is his work, and that he will not permit it to fail.” To make His atonement fully effective in our lives, we must strive to obey him and repent of our sins; or else the pain that he suffered for us will be in vain, until we do.

The healing, or renewing, process has been so special to me in this trial. When Christ suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane, the pains caused by others were included in the sacrifice. I ache knowing that all the things that I’ve felt, Christ had to feel too. He truly is my Savior and friend. In Doctrine & Covenants 19:16-18 it reads: “For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent; but if they would not repent, they must suffer even as I; which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—“ Then later in verse 23; “Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me.”

When I met my husband, I’d been inactive for the better part of two years, and was still quite angry with God. I never expected to reactivate anytime soon, maybe just when I had kids because I wanted them to be raised in the gospel. But, one Sunday, we went to church together. And it felt SO good. I hadn’t had the Spirit as my constant companion for too long, but the meeting brought me to tears. Zach and I looked at each other when we got to the car, and we both agreed how good we felt, just so good all the way to our insides. We felt the peace and love of Christ in our hearts.

We now attend most Sundays, and take lessons from the Sister missionaries. When they first approached me about coming and “visiting” with us, I was wary; I knew their plan, I’d been a part of it before when I went on splits with them when I was a young woman. I didn’t know how Zach would take it, but worse, I was scared that they would soften my heart to God. It sounds silly that I should wish to keep my hardened heart, but it is so much simpler to be bitter than to attempt to accept my fate. Week after week, they began chipping away at me, and through their challenges to Zach, I was forced to also dive into the gospel with him so I could help him understand the teachings. Very quickly, I became passionate about hearing more from our Heavenly Father through the scriptures, and teaching Zach all the wonderful intricacies of this gospel. Gordon B Hinckley told of how: “Tragedy is around, yes. But… you can’t, you don’t build out of pessimism or cynicism. Do not despair. Do not give up. Walk with faith. The Lord’s plan is a plan of happiness. The way will be lighter, the worries will be fewer… if we cultivate a spirit of happiness.” If we earnestly try to.

 I know where I can find peace, I know I just have to reach out for it, and Christ will “reach my reaching”. He is our friend! When we let Christ into our hearts, and really get to be friends with him, we can have peace and happiness in our lives, despite trials that surely will come.  Our daily conversations with Heavenly Father can bring peace into our hearts and a joy into our lives.
One of the many names that we have for Jesus Christ is “Anchor”. There is a song, written by Jenny Phillips that speaks to me so deeply, and I wanted to share some of the lyrics with you, because I couldn’t write it better myself. “I feel like I’m drifting in a starless night. I’m barely holding on to the light. I close my eyes and try to find thee. Anchor me. Make me strong somehow when I start to lose thy path, hold on to me. I want to be done drifting, anchor me. I’m longing for the faith deep enough, that when the water pulls, I won’t move. I want to stay, forever faithful.” When we learn to rely on the Lord, and give it all to him, He will hold onto us, and through faith, we can trust in his plan; for surely He knows more than we do. 

“Constant He is and kind, love without end”. This line is where I have found the most peace for Ben. The answer to my prayer, though quite damaging to me, has proved to have given my sweet child so much love without end. Ben is so loved by so many people. He has wonderful parents; both Ben and I are so blessed to have them as family. He has Heavenly Father watching over him, a huge extended family only a call away, and two angel half-siblings waiting to meet him in heaven. And of course, I will love him with all of my heart every moment of every day. When I think about how beautiful and happy he is, I can’t help but smile along too, and know that since this is what God wanted me to do two and a half years ago, he wants it this way still today, as part of the plan of happiness for Ben’s life.

“Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you… Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” John 14:27

I say these things, humbly, in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.