3

Today is my sweet baby's birthday!
That's right, Ben is 3.

It is absolutely insane how fast the time has gone.
It is absolutely insane how slow the time has gone.
The pain and every bit of the experience is so fresh in my mind.
I have days where I wake up and feel like a normal 21 year old.
I have days where I wake up and immediately look around for my bear cub that was stolen from me.
I have days where I wake up and almost drive to Andrew's house instead of work and demand him to give me my life back, and if he can't figure that out, at least give me my baby back.
I have days where I can't look at my parents because they didn't love me enough to save me, and let me keep my baby.
I have days where I hate Ben for forgetting me, for leaving me, for loving his parents instead of me, for warming up and playing with everyone but me. It's like he senses that I'm different than everyone else and doesn't approach me because of it.
I have days where I love Ben so freaking much it's paralyzing, and I end up on the floor of a room at work crying my eyes out because how it is possible for my heart to be this full yet this empty?
I have days where I want to pretend that those three years with Andrew never happened, that the pregnancy didn't happen, that the abuse never happened, that I just decided not to go to college and worked instead; that I am normal.
I have days where I think about every little thing I could have and should have done differently so that Andrew and I never dated, that we never got pregnant, that I never let him force into adoption, that I never researched it, that I never prayed and pleaded with God, that Ben came and I left Andrew to raise him safely, that Andrew came back to me and actually loved me, and if not, then my mom helped me raise Ben until Zach finally came into our lives and took us in.
I have days where I think Ben is better off without me, just like everyone keeps saying.
I have days where I'm some how able to get Ben back, that he magically loves me and calls me mommy, and it's like the last three years never happened, and we were a normal family.

Ben is literally my whole world. Everything begins and ends with him. He has my whole heart, and the majority of my tears. His birth was the most magical experience, and his departure was the most earth-shattering. I love him so much.

"My last birthday, I'd closed my eyes and thought of nothing when I leaned over my cake. You stop believing in wishes when the only one you want to make can never come true." (Sarah Dessen)

"The brightness of the sky outside, the filtered sunlight through the tree just past my window, the most beautiful fall, everyone agreed. It probably was. But even though I was there, and lived it, I couldn't have said so... you, too, can disappear in plain sight if enough is taken from you. I was missing, in many ways. And I wasn't sure I wanted to be found." (Sarah Dessen)

My little book worm!