Am I Asking Too Much?

Coming up with an adoption plan is the hardest thing ever besides going through with adoption. There are so many fragile feelings to consider. I want to see him all the time, but he doesn't want to, and I don't want to make the parents feel like I'm barging into their lives, but he's my baby, but he's their baby, and what if Ben doesn't like me? So confusing. And we're all walking on eggshells wondering if what we're doing is okay or if it's offending the other party. Sometimes I wish I could be the blunt person I once was in order to get my point across, but sometimes letting all your guards down like that means you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

So am I asking too much by saying I want to see my son at least four times a year? I personally think no. After all it is only a three and a half hour drive. After all he is my son. But since my ability to see him depends on other people driving (boyfriend or baby's parents) I have to think of their wants and willingness. Driving six hours in one day is very long, especially after an emotionally taxing visit. So the idea of asking them to drive here or asking boyfriend to drive me there seemed like I was being a nuisance.

But then I read another birthmother's blog. For the six weeks she was on maternity leave, she was able to visit with her baby for a full day every week. After these six weeks, she went on to see her baby for a full day every month, and that has continued for the last eight months.
Then a woman that I met at my birthmother's meetings placed her baby for adoption a week after me, and even though the family lives in Utah, she went down to see her, and will soon be moving back to Utah to be able to visit her monthly.

I've never been truly envious before. Everyone is making me feel like four times a year is just way too much to see Ben. "You don't need to see him." "You placed him for adoption, just let them live their life now." "Move on." "He's part of their family now. He's their son." "You can have more kids later."

Thanks guys. It's not like I have emotions.

The one time that I got to visit Ben was for a whopping five hours. All the mothers/women/people-with-feelings out there, just imagine that for me, being able to see your only child for five hours, and the next time you'll get to see him is in the indefinite future. But then also imagine watching everyone else get to see their babies way more. Watch women that don't fully appreciate the gift of motherhood ignore their child's love and attention.

I don't mean to complain, I just wish that I could see Ben more. I want to feel like he's mine in some way. I want to know him. Or at least recognize him.

Hug your little ones a little tighter for me. And cherish their drawings and messy fingers and messy everything. Because I crave that like nothing else.