Courage

noun: The ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief

       A girl at work recently discovered she was pregnant. She's only a year older than me. She has two jobs that cause her to have 12 hour days in order to support herself. Her ex-boyfriend broke up with her even before they knew she was pregnant, but is staying out even now. Needless to say, having a baby and thereby becoming a single mom isn't really a good thing for her right now. I took it upon myself to tell her about my story, saying that I too would rather be a single mom over not having my child. I told her about my adoption plan, how happy and healthy Ben is with his parents. As much as I wouldn't wish adoption on anyone, there comes a time where you have to "put the needs of your baby ahead of the wants of your heart." I asked her if she would even consider it; no.

       This brings me to courage. Women talk about being terrified to have a child due to: pregnancy symptoms, labor pain, lack of money, etc... Because of the trauma I was putting myself through with adoption, I didn't have time to worry about all that stuff. I was losing my son; that's all that was ever on my mind. It is courageous to be a mother; having a baby is amazing, but it isn't easy. It is courageous to be a mom; to put your child's wants and needs and life ahead of most of yours. But there is a different kind of strength needed to give it all up for your baby, for your adoptive parents. It took so much courage to go through with the adoption. When we called in Ben's parents to do the actual placement, I stood there and cried for 10 minutes, clinging to my beautiful child, wishing, praying and pleading to whoever that would listen that I could keep my sweet baby. I begged Andrew to change his mind, to let me take Ben home. It took courage to put Ben into his car seat, and put him in his parents' car and then just walk away, empty handed and with an empty womb.

       It still hurts and I continue to cry almost daily. So how can I look at my co-worker and tell her to choose adoption, when the path she's choosing is the one I wanted to take? How can I ask her to have courage and consider breaking her own heart when I can't put mine back together eight months later? How can I calm her fears and doubts about adoption if they are my fears too? Maybe I'm not as courageous as I look. The more I look at myself, the more I can see the facade I put on to hide the fact that I'm falling apart. Once a woman becomes pregnant, everything changes. Once a woman gives birth to a baby her body created, everything changes. She gives her heart to her baby, her life, her love. That's how it's supposed to be. Ben has my heart 200 miles away. I love him so much it hurts. Courage; more like fake it until you're alone, then you can cry.