Knit Together by Adoption: Part 2

When it was too much: Ok, it was too much the entire process. Too much when he told me to consider not keeping my child, too much when I met my couple by myself, too much when I kept seeing them over long, conversation filled dinners while still pregnant, way too much when we placed Ben in the hospital room, and for the next few months after. It was too much to love them so immensely to the point that I was willing to give them my child.

When it was all worth it: I think I finally realized how much of a treasure adoption was for Ben when I saw him light up to his dad coming home from work. Pure. Joy. He loves his dad so much.

Lyrics that move you and why: The first song I think of is "Baby Mine" from the movie Dumbo. I sang this song to Ben a few times each day during my pregnancy. “Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine. From your head to your toes, you’re so sweet, goodness knows. You are so precious to me, cute as can be, baby of mine.”
And from Tarzan: “This bond between us can't be broken, I will be here. From this day on, now and forever more, you'll be in my heart, no matter what they say; you'll be here in my heart, always. Why can't they understand the way we feel? They just don't trust what they can't explain. I know we're different but deep inside us, we're not that different at all. They'll see in time, I know. When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.”

   Question 1: What do you want your child to know about you? I want him to know how deeply I love him. The moment they put him in my arms, I finally understood a mother’s love. I want Ben to know how much I wanted him from the moment he came to be, and continue to want him every day. He has changed every aspect of my life.

   Question 2: Once you made your decision, what obstacles did you face? I decided on adoption in July, so 7 months of pregnancy awaited me still. It’s one thing to be 5 weeks pregnant, but it’s a whole different ball game when your 35 weeks. There is such a special bond fused between mother and child during pregnancy, but it develops slowly. When I started the adoption process, it wasn’t too difficult to be like “Hey, I’m Becca and I want to start the adoption process.” But then I saw him on a sonogram, and I felt him kick. It was agonizing going to see the couple who would be taking my baby to be their son. I had to face them, and face my promise to them no matter how much it hurt every single day. At one point, I convinced myself that I would keep my baby because I could do it, I could be as good a mother to my son just like the adoptive mom could be. And then everyone was against me. Everyone was telling me to think of the adoptive couple, how they feel, how much they’ve already invested in me and the sweet baby I was carrying. I knew all that, I really wanted to give them a baby; I just wish it wasn’t mine. I love them, but I love my baby. Another obstacle I faced is validation. Seems a little weird, I know, but I went through an identity crisis. Was I a mother? No, I’m just a birthmother. But I did give birth to him so that makes me a mother. But I’m not raising him so that makes her a mother. But I carried him for 9 months, I took care of him, I fed him, I loved him. No, I’m just a screw up teenage girl who got herself pregnant and has to pay the consequences. But maybe I’m different because I chose adoption. But that’s still only because I got pregnant. So what am I? A broken hearted, stupid teenage girl. Perfect.

Question 3: Is it strange knowing someone else will raise your child? This is a pretty complicated question. Yes: It’s strange because he is part of me, I made him. Everything in my mind and body tells me to love him, and nurture him. It’s a natural instinct. It lasts for the rest of your life. Now imagine feeling this way for nine months and then telling it to shut off forever. Yeah, it’s not going to happen. It is strange missing memories that could've been made, missing milestones I should've experienced with him. No: I’ve come to realize that I really can only miss the form of him I knew; my pregnant belly. I miss the kicks, and the rib jabs and the beautiful anticipation of what was to come. I miss the struggle of knowing he would leave me as I soon as I finally had him, when I worked my body to do more than it's ever done before. I miss the music I would play for him just to feel him move. Mostly, I miss talking to him in the hopes he would remember my voice and love me one day. I miss his sweet little face, fresh into this world, feeding from me and getting the hiccups. I miss our 4am feeding where it was just the two of us staring at each other for hours while the rest of the world was quiet. That’s really all I know. When I go to see him now, he’s their baby. I still love him, and crave him. But I don’t know this version of him. He belongs with them; he’s their son.

Question 4: How involved do you want to be in your baby's life as he gets older? I want to be his best friend, and a part of his family. I would love to go on family trips with them and be able to take him out for play dates. I’ve been trying to relate it to how I get to be with my niece during the summers; getting a few hours to go to the park, taking her for ice cream, going to Arizona with her. I kind of want that with him. I want him to know me, not just know of me. Being realistic, I won’t get more than a few hours a few times a year to hang out at his house. But I’ll take anything I can get. It’s not just my son’s life I want to be involved him, but his whole family. I love his parents. Although our relationship is not a typical friendship, it’s strong and full of love. I am deeply grateful for them, as they are for me. I want them to be my friends, not just a respectful relationship because of adoption. I love visiting with them as much as visiting with Ben.