I love my baby. He is mine. He is hers. We are his mothers. Our motherhood is very different. But together, we are motherhood. I will never say that I'm his real mom, or that she is his real mom. We are both very real. When I get to see Ben, I have absolutely no intention to ever go to him and say that I'm his mother, too. That is something that he will grow to understand as he learns more about what adoption is, and how he fits in to the puzzle. That will be taught by Ann and Derek however and whenever they decide.
Then comes my lovely father's opinion. According to him, I should stop seeing my child: because it's confusing, because it's unnecessary, because I need to move on.
The other day, he had reconnected with an old friend on Facebook and they were catching up, asking questions about if we were still a part of the church (to which he replied "mostly solid" lol) and then he asked my dad how many grandchildren he had.... "a 5 year old and my next daughter just had her first in March." That almost sounds like his daughters have collectively only had two children. Funny. Because I totally remember getting pregnant, being very pregnant for like a perfect 40 weeks, having a natural delivery, getting stitches and everything. I mean I even got to breastfeed a couple times. This is a baby that has half of my genetic code. But I guess all those experiences don't count as having a child, at least one that's not in any way related to him. Weird. I must have skipped that part of biology. Cool.
This all came at a time where I was feeling good about life; I had literally just seen my sweet baby. And the second I thought about how good I was feeling, God/karma/life wanted to make sure I remembered that Ben doesn't exist in this family, he doesn't even have a name (besides a derogatory "big-head") in this family. And he can't be talked about in this family without divulging his illegitimacy and placement with his "real parents who actually love him." I fought with the rest of my family about their lack of love and support, and naturally, they all defended themselves.
Personally, if you love someone, truly, then don't EVER suggest that they give up their baby. You fight for them to have what they want, and if they want to have this baby, then fight on their side to make it simple and joyful and full of love.
Don't make them a statistic: "did you know that a gazillion% of teenage mothers end up screwing up their lives if the keep their kid?", or "did you know that it's statistically proven that your child will be totally effed up if you keep it because he won't have a father and you're a horrible excuse for a mother?" I'm not making this up you guys, I was told these things to my face several times.
My family says they were supportive of the decision I made (adoption.) I guess they forgot about the times where I was lying on the ground in fetal position begging them to let me keep my baby. And also that time when I was in the hospital weeping over my sweet baby's head begging everyone that could hear me to let me keep my baby. If that isn't my obvious desires, I must not have been crying and hyperventilating enough.
"Baby mine, you are so precious to me; cute as can be."
You write so well - I felt my own frustration as you described his reply about the number of grandchildren. My heart aches for you. But your description of motherhood? Perfect.
ReplyDeleteI think of you often and want you to have more good things in life. Please know that I love you.