Birthday Girl

Yesterday, I finally turned 20! It's wonderful to not be a pesky, immature teenager. Birthdays have never been a miraculous thing in my life--it's usually the worst day of the year. I feel like we hype it up so much and get excited for things that are never going to happen, because to everyone else, it's just another day. This year was going to be just like that until my manager convinced to me go to dinner, and to invite my friends. And because I'm so blessed to have some pretty amazing people as my friends, they all were so excited to join me!

The day started with pancakes for breakfast, card games, and free Starbucks thanks to Shaleena. Then my baby FaceTimed! I was so miserable the night before and was crying for hours because I miss Ben so freaking much it physically hurts. I've been so happy the last 3 weeks, so my daily crying-because-I-don't-have-my-baby sessions haven't been happening. It all built up, and then it all exploded. Seeing him, even just through the phone, is so wonderful. I love hearing his voice, and his giggles, seeing him play with his dad, hearing him cry, watching him curiously watch me and learning all the things he's up to. He is magical. It almost feel imaginary sometimes. Like maybe I made it all up. This perfect creature couldn't possibly be made of me. He's too "everything-I've-ever-dreamed-of." I might get to visit him in a month's time, and it is so hard to wait.

I've been struggling with something for the last few weeks always really. HAPPINESS. I've been so desperate for it for years now. And now that I have it, I'm so apprehensive.

I'm finally moving out! Like for real. It's something I've been anxiously waiting for since I was 14. If I hadn't been pregnant when I went to Utah for college, I would've stayed there. If Rachel didn't convince me to stay here back in May, I would've moved to Arizona by now. But now, we finally got our stuff together and I'm moving out with two of my friends into an amazing apartment. I'm beyond excited. I feel so lucky that it's all working out. It has to work out. We're putting in so much effort to make it work out. Please just let this go right. I have all these doubts in my head, and all these variables that need to work out; I have a really good feeling, but it's still such a big step with much responsibility, but also much happiness and freedom.

When I was in my early teens, I used to make these lists about what my perfect man and my perfect life would have in it: the needs and the wants, and the red-flags. I perfected that list. I had requirements. Then my life changed: when I became pregnant, when I was stuck in an abusive relationship, and then when I finally met a nice guy and I wasn't good enough for him. My list had to change as I did. The main feature for my man is now kindness, like please, I just want him to be nice to me. And I didn't want to go home crying and bruised anymore. I need children desperately, so I knew I needed to find someone who at least wanted to have sweet babies with me. So many stupid little things got blown away when I realized the important things. I'm still struggling with God right now--we aren't on speaking terms, but I know that one day, we will be. When that day comes, I want the man beside me to participate in our prayers, and in our gratitude for the blessings we've been given. I've been scoffed at and judged too often for believing in a God, believing in miracles, believing in other things besides the worldly possessions and greed everyone else seems to be obsessed with. I can no longer tolerate being belittled for believing, and for the feeling the way I feel. Life is about change, and learning and growing, and standing back up when people keep knocking us down. This will happen, guaranteed, so don't help God / Life / Karma do its thing because it's already doing enough.

And I'm tired of being jealous of every one else's happiness! I want my own, and I know it'll look different than theirs, but goodness, throw me a bone every once in a while. Pregnant women are everywhere, happy couples are everywhere, happiness is everywhere. And now that I finally have a piece of that, I want to run away and treasure them before they're taken from me. And I want to preserve my heart from being broken. I don't want to let him in and tell him everything because what if I do and I'm not good enough? I don't want to want things, because I don't think I can handle being denied and disappointed again and again.

He's my favorite person ever, besides my sweet baby Ben of course.