I'm the type of person who complains a lot. I'm not afraid to be vocal. But people don't like hearing that I'm not doing okay. People celebrate adoption because it makes deserving couples parents. Wonderful. But that's just the sunflowers and daisies perspective. The other side is just this massive hole of never ending darkness. You need to understand the key words there: never ending.
Trust me, I see how happy they are with Ben. I loved watching them become parents. Most people will never get to do what I got to do. It was so amazing handing them the answer to their prayers. I saw a miracle that day. I was a miracle for them.
But. Their happiness is my misery.
I'm a momma bear that had her baby bear taken from her. I'm just as vicious as her and protective as her, but I'm missing my baby. People think that they're helping when they show me blogs or posts or "uplifting" quotes. No, oh my goodness, no. Please. You can not fix me. You can not fix this situation. Lord knows that no one's going to let me have my baby back.
I've learned that I need something from people, desperately, if they're going to talk to me about Ben and adoption. It's not empathy, but it's permission to feel the way I feel. Don't try to tell me to only look at the positives, because all I hear is "get over it," or "there's nothing to feel sad about." When people say to think about how much better Ben is because I gave him up for adoption, I hear "you would've been an incompetent mother and he would've been so unhappy if he had to stay with you." Don't tell me to stop crying, but also, don't tell me to let it out.
Grief looks different every time I feel it.
Especially when I'm battling between "adoption is a miracle" and "I lost my baby."
Right now, all I feel is that I lost my baby. And the bad days are really bad.
And there's no new pictures, again.
I think of you often and admire your honesty but I can't imagine your pain. All I can do is let you know that it's all right to hurt - it would be abnormal if you didn't feel pain. My mother used to say, "Just take it one day at a time" but the fact is that some days all anyone can manage is about ten minutes at a time. May your good moments be more frequent than the dark ones. Know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteI love your honesty too. Your feelings are yours and you are going to feel them no matter what people tell you. You have people that love you and want to help but don't know what to say and sometimes they'll unknowingly say the wrong thing. Just know that you are loved. Just be. Be for Ben. Be for you. No expectations, don't worry about what people think or say or what you think they're thinking. Just let yourself feel what you feel.
ReplyDeleteI realize you wrote this about a month ago but No one has the right to tell you how you should feel. As if they have control of it anyway haha I just left a message on your phone and then I decided oh I should check her blog I was spot-on about you feeling down and pissed. Go scream into a pillow or break something that makes me feel better but I'm a little cuckoo. Love you!!!
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