National Adoption Awareness Month 2017

I don’t necessarily consider myself a writer, but I would like to be. My issue is never “writer’s block,” but instead it’s that I have so much to say, but I don’t want it to be undervalued. November is National Adoption Awareness Month and as always there are hashtags to follow and post about on Instagram. But since I don’t feel like bombarding my faithful followers every single day with depressing posts, I’m writing it all on the blog again in one massive, totally avoidable (if you wish) post.

Firstly, I’m going to start out by sharing with you the thoughts of “Lifetime Healing LLC”
“I gave up a lot when I placed my son for adoption. Let’s not pretend that we don’t give up so much when we place. We miss opportunities to parent our flesh and blood, we miss the firsts, and the seconds, and he thousandths. I am so blessed with an open adoption… my visits and pictures and texts… I get the great privilege or peeking into his magical world but it is I NOT the same as being in the trenches all day every day. It is a strange thing to have a son, to give birth to a beautiful and perfect baby and then look at him and not know him. I don’t know how he likes his eggs or how he likes to be comforted when he is sick… I don’t know his bedtime routines or the names of his best friends. I don’t know his different laughs and I don’t know his fears… I don’t know how to be his mother. I gave that up when I placed my son for adoption. I gave that privilege to another. I believe that I made an educated and empowered choice to place… but with that comes the reality that I gave up a lot in the process.”

#Knit Together By Adoption

Big Picture—Adoption is a chance at a stable, normal life. It presents a child with both a father and a mother who have a stable home and jobs and can readily provide for the physical welfare of the child. Additionally, adoptive parents are able to give their full hearts to these children because may or may not have had the ability to produce their own, and therefore, their emotions can be just as strong as a biological connection, eventually.

Small Picture—my personal piece looks very much like the big picture in the grand scheme of things. Benjamin wasn’t placed because he “deserved better.” I would have been the best mother to him and given him the world. Please leave now if you think otherwise. Ben wouldn’t have had a father figure for at least a couple years of his life, although Zach would’ve happily become his father. I wasn’t financially ready because I went to school instead of getting a job because adoption was chosen for me so early in the pregnancy; they wanted me to be “normal” and go to college, so I gained the $7,000 debt instead of giving myself an opportunity to save for my little one.

Who Should Care—everyone needs to understand the different realities of adoption, and not get hung up on out of date myths because adoption touches almost everyone. Someone you know is either adopted or they know someone who is adopted. It’s a complex part of creating a family but the more educated and compassionate you are, the better we’ll all get along and understand one another.

Impact—adoption has destroyed my whole heart and soul. Honestly. You cannot take a child from its mother and expect her to be okay. You can sit there and raise a baby to think you’re its parents and it’ll be brainwashed into believing you, but you will destroy the mother in the process.

Support—I had no support when it counted. My child has love, and that’s all that matters to me.

Birth Family—Me and Andy have since gone our separate ways because adoption, teen pregnancy and domestic violence are just not what bonds people together. I am Ben's mother, Andy is his sperm donor. I have cared for my child since conception, and I take my role very seriously in Ben’s life. Andrew had an epiphany around Father’s Day 2017 (aka when Ben was 2) that he might have feelings for this child, and thereby began to feel his loss. To this day though, Andrew has made zero effort to visit Ben, hasn’t wanted pictures, and will only see Ben if his family makes the drive over the mountains to see him; Andrew is unwilling to drive the 3.5 hours unless I tag along, and I won’t because being in a car with him isn’t really all that safe.

Name Change—Benjamin was named by his adoptive parents. We called him sweet baby until around 4 hours after he was born and his parents told us the name he chose. His middle name is Andrew, unfortunately, as a tribute to Andrew. Gag. When we were writing out his birth certificate in the hospital, knowing Ann and Derek would have to rewrite it anyway in their names, we gave him the last name Franco. But that dissolved within three months to his family name.

Siblings—Ben has a little brother, 2 years younger than him, named Nathan who is also Mexican, which I LOVE. They’re more likely to keep some of the culture, and at least the language, alive because now there are two mexis.

 The Adoption Alphabet prompt (select letters only)

A: is for Adoption/Abuse/Abortion. When I became pregnant, abortion was thrown in my face by people I was heavily influenced by. Killing a freaking baby? What, because Andrew was a freaking rapist now I have to kill a baby? No. He may have had complete power over me in some things, but there was no way I would commit and abortion. It’s disgusting. So when parenting was taken away from my list of possibilities, Adoption became a saving grace. At least this baby will live. I will die, but he will live.

B: is for BIRTH. Pregnancy is a miracle. Giving birth is a miracle. I was so blessed with an uncomplicated pregnancy and birthing experience. I think it was one of those things where God decided since he was going to destroy me, at least the first part of the process would be splendid so I could fall in love with it even more before he was stolen. Yay.

C: is for CREATION. I created a perfect human being. I grew him on my own. I nurtured him every day. He grew because of me. He is alive because of me alone. And I created a family for a couple who couldn’t have their own children. I’m freaking powerful.

D: is for DESTRUCTIVE. Adoption sucked the life out of me. It has destroyed my will to live, my path for the future, my faith in God. And my heart. My heart is shattered.

E: is for EMERGENCY. A huge part of what makes this whole thing worse is that every one’s sage advice was that ‘you can have kids later!’ Tell that to the emergency room technician who had to give me a thorough ultrasound, and then left the room with the saddest look on her face. Or the doctor who followed to give me the news that baby Houston #2 had stopped growing 4 weeks previous; and then he couldn’t find the tissues when I started screaming at God. I’ve had two pregnancies since Ben. They’ve both failed. And then I almost died from uncontrollable hemorrhaging this last time. So yeah. I can totally have more babies. Thanks.   

      

F: is for FAILURE. My body. My faith. My ex. My life.

G: is for GRATITUDE. My baby has the coolest most loving dad on the planet. And since that’s the one thing I couldn’t guarantee him, I’m so grateful that he’s a daddy’s boy. Also, super grateful that they haven’t stopped sending me pix and letting me visit.

H: is for HOPE. I hope Ben learns the real me. And I hope he loves me by his own will. And I hope one day I can cry on his shoulder when he finally understands how deeply I love him. 

I: is for IDENTITY. Who am I to Ben? What will the tell him: the woman who gave him to mommy & daddy?, or a really close aunt/family friend? Does "birthmom" mean anything really?

J: is for JADED. Other synonyms are ‘deadened’ or ‘dulled’. AKA me and my outlook on life. 

K: is for KLEENEX. When you cry as much and as often as I do, you learn to not even rely on Kleenex because you just admit defeat so much quicker. 

T: is for THERAPY. It's so freaking useless, although I do like being in a group where every one totally and completely actually understands my emotions. 

YAY ADOPTION!