Ben = Best Gift Ever

     

I have the greatest adoptive-parents ever. This weekend, they ventured 200 miles over the snowy pass to visit me! Benjamin is so gosh darn beautiful. He's almost 10 months old now. He, crawls, walks if you hold his fingers, has 5 teeth for now, smiles at the camera, loves looking at himself in pictures, videos and mirrors; and he waves at me when he's drinking his bottle. 

       I was determined to get through this visit with all smiles, but it is impossible when dealing with Ben's birthfather. We went to dinner the first night where Ben managed to spill an entire cup of ice cold water on his parents. He's so curious about all the lights, and sounds; I could just sit there and watch him exist and it would be the best day ever. 

       Ben got to meet his birth-grandparents too (if that's even a thing.) We all just sat around him all day and played with him and loved him. 

       Ann and Derek also brought us presents, which just proves how perfect they are. Background: While we were placing Ben, Ann brought me a bag of soaps and lotions that are lilac scented; my favorite scent. I looked back through all our emails to figure out when she figured that out. Turns out it was a super tiny detail in one of my longest messages telling her about myself. Present: Ann bought me a book for Christmas; yes, I already opened it. But it wasn't just any random book. It's Humans of New York by Brandon Stanton. It's photography in such a raw, imperfect form. It's stories and quotes that make me feel a whole range of emotions. It's perfect. It's something I almost bought for myself.

       I love this season of giving. It shows what people think of you. She knows how much I love photography, and she also sees that I share or like most of HONY's posts. I read the whole thing last night! I totally recommend it to anyone. But you know what's even better? The sacrifice of long drives, hotel stays, all just to let me love my sweet baby for a day. 

Knit Together by Adoption: Part 2

When it was too much: Ok, it was too much the entire process. Too much when he told me to consider not keeping my child, too much when I met my couple by myself, too much when I kept seeing them over long, conversation filled dinners while still pregnant, way too much when we placed Ben in the hospital room, and for the next few months after. It was too much to love them so immensely to the point that I was willing to give them my child.

When it was all worth it: I think I finally realized how much of a treasure adoption was for Ben when I saw him light up to his dad coming home from work. Pure. Joy. He loves his dad so much.

Lyrics that move you and why: The first song I think of is "Baby Mine" from the movie Dumbo. I sang this song to Ben a few times each day during my pregnancy. “Baby mine, don't you cry. Baby mine, dry your eyes. Rest your head close to my heart, never to part, baby of mine. From your head to your toes, you’re so sweet, goodness knows. You are so precious to me, cute as can be, baby of mine.”
And from Tarzan: “This bond between us can't be broken, I will be here. From this day on, now and forever more, you'll be in my heart, no matter what they say; you'll be here in my heart, always. Why can't they understand the way we feel? They just don't trust what they can't explain. I know we're different but deep inside us, we're not that different at all. They'll see in time, I know. When destiny calls you, you must be strong. I may not be with you, but you've got to hold on.”

   Question 1: What do you want your child to know about you? I want him to know how deeply I love him. The moment they put him in my arms, I finally understood a mother’s love. I want Ben to know how much I wanted him from the moment he came to be, and continue to want him every day. He has changed every aspect of my life.

   Question 2: Once you made your decision, what obstacles did you face? I decided on adoption in July, so 7 months of pregnancy awaited me still. It’s one thing to be 5 weeks pregnant, but it’s a whole different ball game when your 35 weeks. There is such a special bond fused between mother and child during pregnancy, but it develops slowly. When I started the adoption process, it wasn’t too difficult to be like “Hey, I’m Becca and I want to start the adoption process.” But then I saw him on a sonogram, and I felt him kick. It was agonizing going to see the couple who would be taking my baby to be their son. I had to face them, and face my promise to them no matter how much it hurt every single day. At one point, I convinced myself that I would keep my baby because I could do it, I could be as good a mother to my son just like the adoptive mom could be. And then everyone was against me. Everyone was telling me to think of the adoptive couple, how they feel, how much they’ve already invested in me and the sweet baby I was carrying. I knew all that, I really wanted to give them a baby; I just wish it wasn’t mine. I love them, but I love my baby. Another obstacle I faced is validation. Seems a little weird, I know, but I went through an identity crisis. Was I a mother? No, I’m just a birthmother. But I did give birth to him so that makes me a mother. But I’m not raising him so that makes her a mother. But I carried him for 9 months, I took care of him, I fed him, I loved him. No, I’m just a screw up teenage girl who got herself pregnant and has to pay the consequences. But maybe I’m different because I chose adoption. But that’s still only because I got pregnant. So what am I? A broken hearted, stupid teenage girl. Perfect.

Question 3: Is it strange knowing someone else will raise your child? This is a pretty complicated question. Yes: It’s strange because he is part of me, I made him. Everything in my mind and body tells me to love him, and nurture him. It’s a natural instinct. It lasts for the rest of your life. Now imagine feeling this way for nine months and then telling it to shut off forever. Yeah, it’s not going to happen. It is strange missing memories that could've been made, missing milestones I should've experienced with him. No: I’ve come to realize that I really can only miss the form of him I knew; my pregnant belly. I miss the kicks, and the rib jabs and the beautiful anticipation of what was to come. I miss the struggle of knowing he would leave me as I soon as I finally had him, when I worked my body to do more than it's ever done before. I miss the music I would play for him just to feel him move. Mostly, I miss talking to him in the hopes he would remember my voice and love me one day. I miss his sweet little face, fresh into this world, feeding from me and getting the hiccups. I miss our 4am feeding where it was just the two of us staring at each other for hours while the rest of the world was quiet. That’s really all I know. When I go to see him now, he’s their baby. I still love him, and crave him. But I don’t know this version of him. He belongs with them; he’s their son.

Question 4: How involved do you want to be in your baby's life as he gets older? I want to be his best friend, and a part of his family. I would love to go on family trips with them and be able to take him out for play dates. I’ve been trying to relate it to how I get to be with my niece during the summers; getting a few hours to go to the park, taking her for ice cream, going to Arizona with her. I kind of want that with him. I want him to know me, not just know of me. Being realistic, I won’t get more than a few hours a few times a year to hang out at his house. But I’ll take anything I can get. It’s not just my son’s life I want to be involved him, but his whole family. I love his parents. Although our relationship is not a typical friendship, it’s strong and full of love. I am deeply grateful for them, as they are for me. I want them to be my friends, not just a respectful relationship because of adoption. I love visiting with them as much as visiting with Ben. 

Knit Together by Adoption

November is National Adoption Awareness Month! Despite the fact that many people are affected by adoption in some way, people don't really talk about it, or understand it. I wanted to make a post with some more facts on adoption, and maybe answer some questions. #knittogetherbyadoption has a daily prompt which I used as a base to my post. This is part 1 of 2. Follow along with other's stories on Instagram using the hashtag. The goal is awareness.

Fact: One of the saddest facts about this fallen world is that delivering a baby costs an average of $3,500 (not including prenatal visits,) an adoption can cost up to $50,000; an abortion is only $350.

   

      Introduction: I became pregnant in my senior year of high school; my boyfriend didn’t want to have a baby and I am against abortion. I chose my couple after looking on the LDS adoption website. I decided I would be just a birthmother before my first trimester even ended.

      Your thoughts before on adoption: I knew only one birthmother and had read her story when I was about 16 thinking “Oh, that’s kind of sad.” To me, adoption wasn’t really an option; if you get pregnant, you become a parent, right? Obviously you would keep your baby and get married and live happily ever after, right?

   

      Your thoughts after on adoption: Adoption can be the best option! Being a single, poor, uneducated mother, versus killing your baby, versus creating a beautiful baby to give to an amazing, deserving couple. Being a birthmother is agonizing. Being a hopeful adopter is agonizing. Watching girls take their babies for granted is infuriating. Reading adoption stories or hopeful adoptive couple’s stories is heart-wrenching. But adoption is beautiful.

          How we met: I met my adoptive couple at the end of August, 2014. They drove down to Logan, Utah to have dinner with me. I wasn’t even showing yet. We talked and ate for about two hours, asking a lot of questions about my life and pregnancy and their side of the adoption. It was amazing, and there was surprisingly no pressure. I felt like they were already a major part of my life, and I was so glad that the connection we had made through emails became even stronger.

      What makes you smile: Ben! His mom sends me pictures of him being adorable and it is so wonderful. I love getting surprised by cute texts of love every other week or so. Whether he’s crying or laughing, it’s adorable. Visiting him is the most exciting thing ever. He’s so chubby and beautiful. His parents are the best and their dog loves Ben.

      Boundaries between the triad: Honestly, we have such an easy, open communication that there aren’t really boundaries. On my side, I try not to ask to see him so often, or ask for pictures. I like to keep it away from them how much the separation hurts me. There is no contract to follow, it’s based on mutual trust.

      Miracle: It’s a miracle that there is a couple in the same state as me that speaks Spanish, plays the piano, and has a dog with the same name as your boyfriend.

       Messy Inside: I think this can be summarized with one quote; “You will feel better than this, maybe not yet, but you will. You just keep living until you are alive again.” –Call the Midwife

Courage

noun: The ability to do something that frightens one; strength in the face of pain or grief

       A girl at work recently discovered she was pregnant. She's only a year older than me. She has two jobs that cause her to have 12 hour days in order to support herself. Her ex-boyfriend broke up with her even before they knew she was pregnant, but is staying out even now. Needless to say, having a baby and thereby becoming a single mom isn't really a good thing for her right now. I took it upon myself to tell her about my story, saying that I too would rather be a single mom over not having my child. I told her about my adoption plan, how happy and healthy Ben is with his parents. As much as I wouldn't wish adoption on anyone, there comes a time where you have to "put the needs of your baby ahead of the wants of your heart." I asked her if she would even consider it; no.

       This brings me to courage. Women talk about being terrified to have a child due to: pregnancy symptoms, labor pain, lack of money, etc... Because of the trauma I was putting myself through with adoption, I didn't have time to worry about all that stuff. I was losing my son; that's all that was ever on my mind. It is courageous to be a mother; having a baby is amazing, but it isn't easy. It is courageous to be a mom; to put your child's wants and needs and life ahead of most of yours. But there is a different kind of strength needed to give it all up for your baby, for your adoptive parents. It took so much courage to go through with the adoption. When we called in Ben's parents to do the actual placement, I stood there and cried for 10 minutes, clinging to my beautiful child, wishing, praying and pleading to whoever that would listen that I could keep my sweet baby. I begged Andrew to change his mind, to let me take Ben home. It took courage to put Ben into his car seat, and put him in his parents' car and then just walk away, empty handed and with an empty womb.

       It still hurts and I continue to cry almost daily. So how can I look at my co-worker and tell her to choose adoption, when the path she's choosing is the one I wanted to take? How can I ask her to have courage and consider breaking her own heart when I can't put mine back together eight months later? How can I calm her fears and doubts about adoption if they are my fears too? Maybe I'm not as courageous as I look. The more I look at myself, the more I can see the facade I put on to hide the fact that I'm falling apart. Once a woman becomes pregnant, everything changes. Once a woman gives birth to a baby her body created, everything changes. She gives her heart to her baby, her life, her love. That's how it's supposed to be. Ben has my heart 200 miles away. I love him so much it hurts. Courage; more like fake it until you're alone, then you can cry.

Ben, Jen and some Cacti

       I just want to start out by saying that my baby is so cute. Obvious, but true.

       I had the WONDERFUL opportunity of driving 24 hours to Arizona earlier this month. Honestly, I could've taken an airplane, but I leave that for the sane people to do. But don't worry--it all worked out. My boss was kind enough to not deny my request to have 5 days off of work, so five hours before we set off, I scrambled to pack up all my stuff.

       Day one: six a.m. is really early. But guess who I got to see 3 1/2 hours later... MY BABY!!! Oh my goodness, I freaking love that kid. His mom, Ann, was so kind to let us make our first pit stop at her home. So my dad and I walked in and there, sitting up on the floor with 10 toys around him, was beautiful Ben. Even thought it was only for forty minutes, it was so amazing to sit around with Ann, Derek and of course, baby. We watched him roll around and heard him laugh every time the dog barked.
       The best thing I saw was Ben's reaction when Derek came home. One of the benefits of choosing adoption was that Ben would have a father, a dad who loved and cared for him. So when Derek came home from work to visit with us, Ben's face lit up and he started flailing his little arms and legs, and cooing until Derek came and tackled/kissed him. My heart was SO full. I looked at Derek and said, "Wow. He really, really loves you." Like, what more could I ask for.
       He's seven months old now, so I brought him some baby food as a gift. Seems like a little thing, but I like supporting them being Ben's parents for me; formula is a little too expensive, so in the past I've brought diapers, clothes, and now jarred food. Ann knows me so well, how I miss Ben the most right before and after I visit him, so the next day she sent me a picture of Ben eating the food I brought for him. I honestly couldn't have asked for better parents for my child. Oh, and one more thing; Derek was telling me how sometimes when he goes to the store with Ben, and people comment about how cute my baby is, they say that Ben looks just like Derek... and Derek just looks at them and says thanks. It's hilarious to me because Ben looks more and more like Andrew and me: my dark brown eyes, his smile, etc. That was one of the things I apologized for when I first met them in Logan a year ago (I did not think it has been that long) that I was sorry he wouldn't look like them. Luckily, Derek just lets it roll off.
     
 Driving my dad's old, wide and long Impala is terrifying. I think I drove for at least four hours the first day, and that was way too much. You know how passing trucks while going 75 mph on the freeway is scary? Imagine your car taking up the entire width of a lane, the big semi taking up the entire width of his lane, oh and it's windy. Let's just say that dad didn't like my driving.

       Day two: more driving. 11 more hours to be precise. At least this time it was more scenic, like Zion and Bryce Canyon scenic. So gorgeous to see it in person. From the road. From miles away. But still pretty. Anyone driving from SLC to PHX, I recommend highway 89. More scary driving from me later, we finally made it to Mesa around dinner time. Air conditioning is amazing. Getting sick from change of altitude and temperature--not so amazing.

       Day three-five: basically wedding planning day for the Jen! Not only am I the photographer of weddings (see www.photographyrebeccaann.blogspot.com ) I get to be the florist too! By some sheer luck, the only non potted orchids in the store were the perfect color for the wedding. Jen's old roommate, Becca, came down to Mesa to be a part of the wedding and us three had tons of fun over the two days. We found this AMAZING park to take their bridals at, which was mostly just a lot of laughing. Then we went at ate the juiciest burger I've ever had at Zinburger in Gilbert, and niece Evelyn was there! She was such fun over the weekend.
       Then, JEN GOT MARRIED! It was so beautiful, and her husband is the BEST. I've been so lucky with brother-in-laws. Nick is so wonderful to Jen, and to me and Ev.
        On Saturday, we went to the Mesa, Arizona temple. It is so much prettier in real life. Church is kind of an iffy thing for me right now, but I have a special place for temples in my heart; so much respect for what happens inside them, and they have such a beautiful design and architecture. ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ejf9a70qgl8 )

       I also want to add, I'm obsessed with cacti. The last time I was here, I couldn't find a good time to take a picture with one. But the temple had like a whole forest of cacti and I took some pretty pictures.

Her Birth Story and My Heartache

       As we all know, this blog started with the longest post known to man about my pregnancy and delivery of sweet baby Ben. The whole point was for it to be therapeutic, to write out all my feelings instead of holding them in and bursting. It was not important who read it or how many views the page got, (although that was fascinating.) I sent the link to that post to a couple dozen people I thought would care about me enough to want to know this big event in my life; turns out it spread farther than I thought it would (a good and bad thing, because of people's desire to teach lessons by judging you.) Turns out I know amazing people that truly love and care about me, people I didn't even think noticed me. It's always fun to have people come up to me and tell me they've read my blog and support me.

       For my birthday, Ann sent me a card and her nine-page birth story of the day Ben was born, and the next day when I placed him into their care for eternity. Andrew and I took turns reading each page, but eventually I just made him read because I was balling my eyes out. Hearing how it all played out from point of view just brought back the absolute agony of the experience. I've been working so hard to only see the positive parts of the adoption, like how healthy, chubby, cute and happy he is. But this story just killed me; it was like I hadn't made any progress on my mental health.

       Apparently, a would-be birthmother fell through on their adoption a couple years ago, so Ann had a really hard time trusting me throughout our entire experience because she thought I would bail on her just like this other woman had. She talked about having to wait so long in the waiting room, about how she wished she could have been a bigger part of his birth and hospital time. By the end of reading this story, I felt like the worst birthmother ever because of how much she wished she could have experienced that I prevented, in one way or another. Granted, she got my baby so it's not like she's complaining, but still. It's one of those things where we were both trying to respect each other and ended up both feeling off about how things were happening.


       Another thing that has been breaking me recently and for the last year is when other girls my age get pregnant. Some keep their baby (a win), some get to keep their baby and marry their man (a definite win.) And here I am, losing everything and everyone that actually matters to me. Yeah, I know life isn't fair. But life freaking sucks. One of my friends, a year younger than me who had her baby a month after me, just got married. Someone else I know is getting married soon because she got pregnant. It is agonizing. I envy them. Everyone is telling me to be happy, but that depends on things that I can't control. I can't make him marry me even though that would make me happy. I can't make him let me have another baby (even though I totally did ask.) I know what I want. I know that I can't have what I want. And yet I'm expected to watch other people live my dream while I sit by and watch.

Six Month Mark

       I cannot believe that Ben is already six months old! When I was pregnant, each week went by so fast; every day since placement has been so long. I can remember everything like it was just yesterday, and if I begin to forget, I have my journal to help all the memories flood back.

       The desire to see Ben is strong, and sometimes completely overwhelming. My heart aches every day because this huge part of me is so far away from my love and my protection. His parents are so good about sending me pictures when I request them, and telling me cute stories about him and how he is developing. Apparently, instead of napping, he rolls around in his crib. He always looks so, incredibly happy.

       I've had a job now for three months, plus some big photography experiences; I thought I would be busy enough to keep my mind off of missing sweet baby. Looks like no matter what, he'll always be there in the back of my head with all these "what if...?" questions circling around him. It's truly agonizing. The pain has not dissipated in the slightest.

 

Ben's birthfather's parents bought him some toys, and they
turned out to be Ben's favorite.

The Visit

         Despite all the drama that occurred leading up to visiting Ben for the second time since placement, our visit was INCREDIBLE! Boyfriend and I drove the three and a half hours to see the baby and his parents on a Thursday I had off from work. His momma was busy helping a friend do crafts, so we got to play with Ben all by ourselves for a little while. Let me just say one thing- Ben has an amazing smile and it was on display all day. He has started cooing and screeching, but his little voice was raspy from crying so much during previous days. But for me, he was just so happy all the time. I like to think that maybe somewhere in him he knows it's me, but I don't know how his little brain and instincts work.
         After playing, we ate at Olive Garden, where Ben refused to go to sleep but still was happy, then went back home and played some more. I have this internal battle between taking a lot of pictures so I can remember, or living in the moment and hoping I remember. Usually I fail at both, but luckily this time Ann took a few pictures of us so I could just play. Eventually, baby B fell asleep and we got to hold him while he was sleeping, until boyfriend's ginormous, muscled arms got tired from holding Ben's big head. So we set him on some pillows and just watching him sleep; because when you hardly get to see your child, watching him sleep is pretty close to the best thing ever. But he woke up no more than 10 minutes later and just smiled. Constantly. He would switch between looking at Ann, boyfriend and me and just smile at each of us before moving on to the next. My heart! I have decided that that is happiness.

         Another visit I was able to take was to Arizona to see my gorgeous sister! After arriving, we roadtripped to Six Flags in SoCal. The drive was six hours of loud music, dirt-tornado things in the dry farmland, lots of talking and laughing. The theme park was incredible. The roller coasters were way longer and better than anything we have here in Washington. There was one called the X2 where I was screaming the whole time, just because I actually thought we were going to die. It was pretty amazing though. We did the water park the next day where I caught some air in one of the tube slides (the toilet bowl kind) and totally bruised my right bum, then we did the roller coasters again the next day. And of course we went shopping at the massive outlet mall on the way home.
        It was so great to be able to see her again after a year apart, plus I got to meet here amazing boyfriend. This was another trip where I was just too busy having fun to take pictures. But I won't forget so all is well.

Adoption

So many questions have been circling in my mind for the past months. And I finally think I narrowed it down to three questions. I put these questions on my Facebook account to try to get some answers; I later took it down to avoid more scrutiny.

1: Why is adoption seen so negatively?

As my friend Sarah said, “People are afraid of what they don’t know.” What people don’t understand is how adoption is pretty much the only way for everything to work out for everybody involved in the end. Most of the opinions that were shared with me came from the perspective of the adopted child: not knowing why they were given away, not understanding their genetics, feeling like a mistake, weren’t good enough for their bio-parents, or being left in the dark for too long about being adopted. That’s great and all, but it’s very closed minded. You see, these types of comments would only come from a child in a closed adoption, meaning absolutely no contact or share of information after the day of placement until the child turns 18. That’s not really how it works anymore. In adoptions now a day, the birthmother can choose how open she wants the adoption: closed, semi-open (information is shared via email, may visit once but as a “family friend”), or open. Most women choose open, so the child is much more informed about how they came to be where they are and there are less hard feelings. There’s less anger when all your question are, or can easily be answered. If Ben ever had a question about why I placed him for adoption, he could easily call me.

 

               Adoption isn’t a bad thing; it’s difficult and overwhelming, but it’s not a bad thing. 

“There are times when the adoption process is exhausting and painful and makes you want to scream. But, I am told, so does childbirth” –Scott Simon

               But what I don’t understand is that the scrutiny comes from adults to the expectant mother with disgusting questions: “Why aren’t you keeping it?” “Do you even know who the father is?” and especially, “I’ll still be friends with you.”

2: Why is adoption hardly considered when a woman is choosing what to do in an unexpected pregnancy?

In my opinion, it’s because we are an ignorant people that no matter how many resources are out there for us to become informed, we choose to only listen to the popular or expected route. I was one of those people at first, thinking “Well duh I’m not going to kill my baby, so obviously I’m going to parent.” Ignorant little me got a wakeup call when that wasn’t really a plausible option for me anymore. So I used my resources and now we have our little happily ever after. One of my favorite things I’ve learned from this journey is that somewhere out there, a woman regrets aborting her baby. But can you find me a woman who regrets bringing their child into this world? We all hear stories of dramatic labors where the mother’s life and her unborn baby’s life is at risk, and the woman tells her husband to save the child before saving her. *Cue relentless weeping*

Adoption information pamphlets should be a thing, at doctor’s offices, in health class, at abortion clinics. Adoption information should be everywhere. There is absolutely no harm in being informed, but there is terrible harm (and death) in being uninformed.

The average woman will live 81.2 years, or 974.4 months. Pregnancy lasts 9 months. Labor lasts one day, let's say. To keep your pregnancy and birth your child, it will have taken up .09% of your life. Placing your child with a couple who yearns for a child will make 100% of their lives. Because when you get to that point of desperation, it becomes your only want, even a necessity. Yes, non-medicated labor hurts, but I forgot the pain the second they put Ben on my stomach. It's so worth it. 

3: Why is it considered a “mother’s worst nightmare” if her daughter becomes pregnant out of wedlock?

               Oh. The. Horror. An innocent, cute, squishy baby. I mean let’s just ignore the blessings and happiness a child is and will bring to your life. Let’s ignore the knowledge, and maturity the mother will gain. Let’s ignore the blessing the mother could give to another couple who can’t have children through adoption.

               I asked my mother this question. Do you know what her worst nightmare is for me? Getting kidnapped, assaulted, becoming paralyzed, and DYING. Nowhere on that list was getting pregnant. Yes she was a little shocked, but my pregnancy wasn’t even a bad thing, much less a worst nightmare.

Just Biological

Ann, Derek and baby Ben, who isn't a fan of bright sunlight

I know that counts for a lot, because without that there would be no Ben. But now it’s official.

This past memorial weekend, Ben was sealed to his adoptive parents in the Los Angeles temple. This was a big deal for me. When I first looked into adoption, it was definitely a necessity that the parents were temple worthy so that they could be sealed together. The adoption process went pretty quickly, only taking two months where others can take much, much longer. He is officially all theirs now.

Proud daddy at Ben's baby blessing

 But pretty much, Ben is the cutest thing ever. He’s a little over three months old now, he has the biggest head ever, and therefore an invisible neck. And they were able to record his first laugh! Derek is such an amazing dad and has been looking forward to making Ben laugh since before he was even born. I am SO excited to hear it in person though. I know that eventually, children laugh at practically everything unless they’re crying, but it’s so much sweeter because it’ll be such a rare opportunity for me.

Hopefully, at the end of June, they’ll be traveling here as part of a new agreement that I can see Ben four times a year. I am so excited: because I get to see him again (duh), because my best friend can see him for the first time (she was angry that he “decided” to be born the day after she went back to school), and because my dad even agreed to meeting Ben and his parents, which if you know him and our relationship, is a HUGE step forward.

While I was working the other day, I saw another girl my age very pregnant. And I admit it still pulls my heartstrings. I don’t have to wonder if she’ll parent, because it’s pretty obvious to me that most everyone I see will parent. I’m that rare .00001%. But honestly, good for her. Motherhood is wonderful, and no one ever regrets having their baby so she’ll figure it out.

If on mobile: https://www.dropbox.com/s/cxgnk5lkf96veck/Bens%201st%20laugh.mp4?dl=0

I would love to be and advocate for adoption, to go around and inform girls and women of their options when they find themselves in an unexpected pregnancy. I just want people to know that their bodies can handle so much more than they think, that no one regrets having their baby, and that there are so many couples out there that are unable to have their own children but would pay anything to raise yours. Becoming informed, even if you don’t choose adoption, will change your perspective of parenthood and also the miracle that is our bodies. 

Strong, sturdy legs

Where is his neck?

Am I Asking Too Much?

Coming up with an adoption plan is the hardest thing ever besides going through with adoption. There are so many fragile feelings to consider. I want to see him all the time, but he doesn't want to, and I don't want to make the parents feel like I'm barging into their lives, but he's my baby, but he's their baby, and what if Ben doesn't like me? So confusing. And we're all walking on eggshells wondering if what we're doing is okay or if it's offending the other party. Sometimes I wish I could be the blunt person I once was in order to get my point across, but sometimes letting all your guards down like that means you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

So am I asking too much by saying I want to see my son at least four times a year? I personally think no. After all it is only a three and a half hour drive. After all he is my son. But since my ability to see him depends on other people driving (boyfriend or baby's parents) I have to think of their wants and willingness. Driving six hours in one day is very long, especially after an emotionally taxing visit. So the idea of asking them to drive here or asking boyfriend to drive me there seemed like I was being a nuisance.

But then I read another birthmother's blog. For the six weeks she was on maternity leave, she was able to visit with her baby for a full day every week. After these six weeks, she went on to see her baby for a full day every month, and that has continued for the last eight months.
Then a woman that I met at my birthmother's meetings placed her baby for adoption a week after me, and even though the family lives in Utah, she went down to see her, and will soon be moving back to Utah to be able to visit her monthly.

I've never been truly envious before. Everyone is making me feel like four times a year is just way too much to see Ben. "You don't need to see him." "You placed him for adoption, just let them live their life now." "Move on." "He's part of their family now. He's their son." "You can have more kids later."

Thanks guys. It's not like I have emotions.

The one time that I got to visit Ben was for a whopping five hours. All the mothers/women/people-with-feelings out there, just imagine that for me, being able to see your only child for five hours, and the next time you'll get to see him is in the indefinite future. But then also imagine watching everyone else get to see their babies way more. Watch women that don't fully appreciate the gift of motherhood ignore their child's love and attention.

I don't mean to complain, I just wish that I could see Ben more. I want to feel like he's mine in some way. I want to know him. Or at least recognize him.

Hug your little ones a little tighter for me. And cherish their drawings and messy fingers and messy everything. Because I crave that like nothing else.

Motherhood

“Motherhood means unconditional love, no matter the distance or DNA.” – Tabitha Nilsen

It has been a long three months for me. To say that I miss Benjamin would be a huge understatement. For the entire first month, I cried every day. I thought it would never end.

“Motherhood, to me, means doing everything in my power to allow my children the chance to thrive in all aspects of life even if that meant recognizing that they would have merely survived with me.” – Sarah Noelle

After I told my “friends” that not only was I pregnant, but that I placed baby for adoption, I got so many mixed comments. Some people continued to shame me even though I did a wonderful thing; they even went as far as shaming my friends for continuing to be my friend. Others were really wonderful about supporting me even though they didn’t understand what I was going through.

He makes silly little faces. And I just want to squish his cheeks the whole time.
Wait, that's exactly what we did!

Open adoption is wonderful thing. I can’t imagine the world of closed adoption where you never get to see your baby ever again. So far in my adoption plan, I’ve been getting pictures every week, I can talk to them whenever I want, and I also got to go see him. That was an experience. I was beyond excited when the day finally arrived, but I was so upset. I knew absolutely nothing about my own baby: how he likes to be held, what his cries mean, when he eats, when he sleeps and for how long. It really hurt, I felt so unattached to the point that I had to work to remember he’s my baby. What was even worse was the fact I didn’t even recognize him. He was so different; granted he looked just like the pictures, but he looked nothing like the baby I held in the hospital. Can you even imagine not recognizing your own baby? I was absolutely heartbroken. It took me two hours to finally find an angle where I thought maybe he looked the same. He’d gained 4 pounds, grew 5 inches and actually had his eyes open. He was a totally different baby.

“Everyone thinks adoption is about giving up a life, when to me I didn’t give up anything. I gave my [son] everything when I chose to carry [him], chose two parents who could give [him] everything and chose to continue to be a part of [him] life through open adoption.” – Ashley Paulson

My saving grace throughout this journey has been a Birthmother’s group meeting with women just like me who are both pregnant and considering adoption or have already placed. We can just sit there for two hours and talk about our birthing experience and our adoption experience. I’ve been to two now and it has made all the difference in my healing process. Empathy goes a long way. 

“I am a Birthmother and I can tell you there is nothing more heartbreaking, but along with the heartbreak comes gratitude and thankfulness.” – Hope O Baker

The journey has just begun and it will continue to hurt for years to come because I will never forget the beautiful life I created and placed in other arms. I just can't wait for the day when Ben recognizes me and loves me. 

Sweet Baby

 “In planning to place a child for adoption, birthparents usually go through a thorough self-assessment of their own lives and where they are,” Lee says. “They think deeply about what they want for their child. They realize many things about themselves, such as their readiness for responsibility, relationships, employment, and so forth. They become more prayerful than ever. They grow to feel a love stronger than they have ever known and are willing to sacrifice for the benefit of their child—even if brings them grief and sadness. Their hearts expand in love for the child and the adoptive couple. Their sacrifice cannot be described in words. I know that the Lord will bless them for what they go through.”

I started dating Andrew at the end of November, 2013. I had already liked him for a whole year by that point, but chose to not exclusively date him because I was so stuck on the church rules of not being in a serious relationship until I was 18. But after so many realizations that I didn't want to, and couldn’t be without him, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I finally said yes.

Let 6 months go by.

I discovered I was pregnant. I could feel my body was changing, but I didn't want to go buy a pregnancy test. I knew by mid-June that I didn’t need to carry around pads anymore because it wasn't coming. But Andrew wanted a definite yes or no. So by the end of June, he took me to the store and we bought two tests. We went back to my house to figure out the answer to the big question that’s been hanging over our heads, but my best friend’s car was there, so Andrew didn’t want to come in with me because then they’d ask what we were doing. So he left me to take the tests by myself. Turns out best friend and my sister weren’t even there, so I was completely alone in the house. I went to the bathroom, followed the instructions and left it on the counter. I went back to see the result a little while later. The answer was a really bold. Congratulations, you’re pregnant. I just looked at it until I realized how alone I was with this life changing news. I ended up lying down in the fetal position crying for an hour. I had no husband to go surprise with the news, I didn’t even know whether to be excited or not. I know some people who would kill to have a positive pregnancy result, and yet here I am, a 17 year old girl crying on the floor, 6 weeks pregnant. I remember telling Andrew a few hours later, I remember the look of disgust/disappointment on his face, like his worst nightmare was coming true.

Amount of weeks, baby bump and sonogram

There are three things you can do when you become pregnant: keep it (I favor this option), abortion (I wrote my entire Junior Research Paper on how terrible abortion really is, so no way), and lastly adoption (I didn’t really have an opinion at that point.) Andrew wanted option 2, I wanted option 1, and our final compromise was option 3.

 I honestly thought I could do this, I could raise this baby. I’m an adult, and I have nine months to get everything together. Nine months is a long time, right? I could go to school for a semester to get the experience, then come home and raise my baby. I don’t need my Bachelors of Fine Arts to photograph people for a living, I could just learn by myself. Was I ready for this challenge? No, but I had time to become ready. I had enough support that I wouldn’t have to worry financially. My mom was even willing to be its formal guardian for the first few years so I could really get on my feet. My boyfriend was game for this plan, so I was in heaven—I’d get to keep my little love bug. Unfortunately, Andrew later told his parents we were giving our baby up for adoption. He came to me and told me that was how it was going to be; no if, ands, or buts. My heart was broken. I was growing a baby with the man I loved and now I couldn’t keep him? But he’s my baby!

“When marriage is not possible, experience has shown that adoption, difficult though this may be for the young mother, may afford a greater opportunity for the child to live a life of happiness.” President Gordon B. Hinckley, “Save the Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1994, 53.

I could tell there was no fighting the decision Andrew made, so they next day I cried myself over to the computer and looked up the sight for LDS Adoptions (www.itsaboutlove.org). I put in my criteria for my baby’s parents and eleven results showed up. The profiles had the couple’s names and a quote of their choice. I can honestly say that I chose my child’s future parents by just that information. The fourth couple down the list had really cool names, and their quote was about how the Lord’s timing isn’t ours. I clicked on their link, and read about them. Well, I tried reading but the crying was a bit out of control at this point. He spoke Spanish, so does Andrew and I pretend I can. She plays piano, so do both me and Andrew, though Andrew is way better. They have a dog named Andy, I call Andrew Andy sometimes—this was cool to me, Andrew didn’t think it was as fascinating. Plus, these people are really beautiful people with the whole stunning blue eyes thing going for them. That was all I had to go off, but in my heart, the decision was made; these are my baby’s parents. So I went on with my day with this grief in my heart, I was so mad that I found this perfect couple because now I knew that this adoption thing really was going to happen. Maybe if they weren’t so perfect, I could keep my baby. Later that night, I prayed harder than I ever had pleading with the Lord to help me decide what was best for baby, not for me or Andrew or anyone else. I remember asking Him to make sure my baby was with parents that were so in love with each other, and, with all the humility in my heart, make sure his parents would be sealed together in the temple. Because that’s what he deserves.

“When choosing adoption, unwed parents grant their children this most important blessing (the temple sealing ordinance.) Adoption is an unselfish, loving decision that blesses the child, birth parents, and adoptive parents in this life and throughout the eternities.” First Presidency statement, Oct. 4, 2006

He deserves the best. But couldn’t I be the best? I knew it right then and there. And I knew I couldn’t ignore the feeling in my heart any longer that I already found my baby’s parents. The next day, I worked up enormous amounts of courage to email the couple. I walked away broken-hearted but more sure of the decision.

Over the next little while, I fell in love with them through emails. I learned a lot about them and they learned about me and Andrew. In August, I moved to Logan, Utah for school. And about a week in, the couple was going to be driving through Utah for a get-away weekend and happened to stop by. We got to go eat dinner. I walked in and she walked right up to me immediately and gave me the biggest hug ever. As she continued to hold me in this embrace, I just looked up at her husband and smiled. They were the sweetest people ever, they answered all my questions and helped me understand how the process of adoption works from their side. Overall, I fell in love. I got on Skype to talk to Andrew right after they dropped me off and basically fell apart but at the same time felt so held together. They are definitely going to be my baby’s parents, and they are going to be so awesome.

“I received such a direct answer to my prayer that there was no doubt in my mind about what we were supposed to do. That confirmation helped us stick to our decision when we felt caught… in our own feelings and desires. To say that I cried would be to put it mildly. My heart was full and broken at the same time. How could I feel such a peace in a decision that brought so much pain? It was the hardest—but most right—thing I have ever done.” The Gift of Adoption, Ensign, Feb. 2009

And so time went on. Emails back and forth, checking up and sending pictures of my baby bump once I finally got one. Some people get to find out the gender of their baby at around 16 weeks. But no, not me. Plus my baby is super active, we watched him kick and punch me instead. So when I went to my 20 week appointment, she tried figuring it out then but she just couldn’t tell. Two days later, I went to the hospital, my roommates excitedly in tow, to get the full anatomical scan of my little love. The technician answered all of our questions, most of them sounded like “How can you even tell that’s a kidney? It’s a circle inside of a bigger circle.” Pretty quickly into the ultrasound, he froze the screen and looked at me and told me to guess what the gender was. Mind you, it looked like a bunch of blobs on a black background. Once he pointed out what to look at, I could see it clearly. It’s a boy! Once all that excitement was over, he kept going and showed me all the chambers of his heart, the cord and blood flow, measured the femur for gestational age (which was exactly accurate), looked at his lip, his brain and all his fingers and toes. It is still so hard to realize that those images are of my baby, and it’s inside me. After so many years of watching birth stories and seeing everyone else’s sonograms, this one is actually mine. Kind of. And that’s what I have to constantly remind myself. Once we got out, it was time for celebration at Jamba Juice. I got on Skype with Andrew and told him to make his final guess; he always thought it would be a boy and I was going for a girl just to hopefully win. But he won, and I couldn’t even be mad. We had been waiting so long just to be able to call baby a him or her, and now we knew, and Andrew just had the biggest, happiest smile on his face. I then texted the mom and dad, and luckily they were together and from what I got from all the smiley faces and exclamation marks in the text, they were pretty happy too. I think all of us were going to be happy either way.

Then a lot of things happened at once. I started getting sick and faint more often, school was exhausting me and not doing anything for my major, and I missed Andrew so much it hurt every time I saw his face over Skype. And I couldn’t take it anymore. I begged my mom, and we booked a flight home for fall break, with no returning flight back to Logan. Once I got to Sea-Tac, I waited for my Andrew to come and get me. I was looking around at all the people in baggage claim, super anxious to see him for the first time in over two months- a lot of people have to wait longer to see loved ones (ie: missions) but to be honest, my situation is a little more real and serious than just a boyfriend girlfriend relationship-- being pregnant and alone is not something I’d wish on anyone. I thought everything would get better. I got sick a lot less, and when I did I was much more comfortable being at home than in the dorm in Logan.

Mine and Andrew’s relationship was getting better too. Someone asked me if we were still going give away our baby if we were doing good and happy. And I always say yes. But in my breaking heart, I wish I could say otherwise. So we set up another dinner with our baby’s parents for two reasons: for Andrew to get to see them for the first time, and for me to fall in love with them again so I felt better about giving the baby away.

32 weeks

Feeling baby kick is my absolute favorite thing in the world, and he does it so often now. He loves music, and loves when I sing. He kicks when I cry or if I’m stressed, like he wants me to know he’s there for me.

I hated seeing pregnant women, especially pregnant teens, because I knew that they got to keep their babies. I’d look at baby clothes at the store, and just feel disgust because I would never get to put clothes on my baby, because he wouldn’t be with me. Then I’d think about the couple I’d chosen for my baby and wondered if she thought the same things—was it hard for her to see pregnant women when she had been trying for so long and it hadn’t worked out? Did she look at baby clothes and long to have one of her own, but then walk away sad because it wasn’t happening? Was she driven crazy every time she found out another person she knew was having a baby?

34 weeks

At the beginning of December, Mormon Channel released a new video called Unplanned Pregnancy, Adoption and The “Best Gift Ever” - His Grace (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iSvnjfrGgik). Watch it. I cannot describe the absolute pain I felt and still feel every time I watch this video. Everything she is saying, I feel—it’s like she’s telling my story too. I received a few messages after I shared the link on Facebook, mainly about how adoption has made a difference in their lives. There was a lot of “you can always talk to me if you want” which honestly was appreciated. But my favorite message I got went a little like this—“I know that what you are going through right now is most likely one of the hardest experiences that you’ll ever have throughout you entire life. No matter what decision you make, it’ll always be in the back of your mind whether or not you did the right thing. I balled my eyes out when I watch the video, and right now while I’m just thinking about you making the same decision. You are going to make an excellent mother one day! And no choices that you’ve made right now are going to make that impossible. But I’m very proud of you for considering adoption. That is a very hard decision. When I have had serious decisions to make in my life, it has been so very beneficial to involve my Heavenly Father, and as I look back on my decisions and question whether I did the right thing, it lifts me and gives me strength to know that I didn’t make that decision on my own. If it was right then, it’s still right now. Heavenly Father loves you, and most importantly, your Heavenly Father loves that little baby.” As if I wasn’t already crying. I want my baby so bad, even to this day I want to have him stay with me. Even when the pregnancy was getting really hard, I just wanted to keep him inside of me forever, because at least then I would get to keep him, at least then he’d me mine and no one could take him from me. I don’t want anything else, I just want my baby. Please.

“In placing their faith in the Lord as they make a truly selfless choice, many unwed birth mothers find that from the ashes of their deepest pain, He makes something beautiful—for her, the baby, and a loving family.” Rebecca M. Taylor, “Why Adoption?,” Ensign, Jan. 2008

I turned to doing things to hopefully distract me from grieving. I started taking more and more pictures of my sweet baby bump. I got creative with editing and tried to lose myself in the technicalities of photography instead of the subject of the photo. I watched as slowly but surely, my belly button started popping out. I think it’s so cute. I made a clay model of a pregnant woman with no baby in her womb anymore; it was kind of depressing, but very expressive as to what I was feeling. I also did a cross-stitching project with the help of my mom. I’ve always been a fan and I’ve been quite fast at it too. I designed it myself on Excel and added a quote from one of my favorite children’s stories. I made one for me, and one for the nursery of sweet baby.

I also tried losing myself in the pregnancy. Some women read books and magazines, I just used an app on my phone and then researched everything it was telling me. I thought that if I learned everything I could about growing a baby, I could forget that I wouldn’t need to learn about caring for a newborn, or nursing or about being a new mom. I never signed up for birthing classes because they all included things about being a mom, and every other woman in there would get to be a mom, everyone but me. I’d go to all my doctor’s appointments and know exactly what she was talking about.

At one point in my third trimester, I stopped gaining weight which is a no-no, and I was also measuring small, like three weeks too small. So she scheduled me for an ultrasound to measure sweet baby. And at that appointment I got to see my little love again for the first time in 15 weeks. But his stomach was measuring three weeks too small while the rest of his body was measuring correctly, which means he wasn’t getting the nutrition he should be getting. Also, the fluids around him were pretty low. The doctor said there was nothing I could do (because I was already eating correctly) so she was going to have me take a nonstress test twice a week. This test measures baby’s heart rate compared to his movements (if baby moves, his heart rate should increase) and also measures contractions. I looked up NST’s and everything said that they’re usually only done in high-risk pregnancies, so that kind of freaked me out. But my baby moves all the time, like all the time. And he was testing well, but still measuring small even after a month, so the tests had to continue just to make sure he was still moving and doing well. Then there was a little hope when I was seen again and I was actually measuring closer to the average. By my 38^th week, he was looking perfect on the sonogram. And so the waiting continued.

38 weeks

40 weeks

40 weeks- day before the big day

Did you know only 5% of babies are born on their due date? Which makes sense since it’s a very rough guess. Well my baby is punctual. During my last week of pregnancy, I could feel that the baby had dropped lower because I had to go to the bathroom many more times a day than I’d like to admit, including in the middle of the night. On my due date, I woke up at 4:20 am thinking I had to go to the bathroom like normal when I realized that my water had broken. Mind you, I was quite groggy so my clumsiness was apparent when it took me forever to get my big belly out of bed and run to the bathroom. I’m surprised I didn’t wake up the whole house because I may have ran into a few walls. I confirmed I did indeed break my waters so I sat on a towel and called my mother to find out what to do next. Did you know only 10-15% of labors start by the water breaking? So I had no warning that I was going into labor, no contractions to say “hey your baby might come today.” Maybe if I was more awake and not freaking out I would’ve remembered everything I had learned but my mother wasn’t answering her phone so I became hysterical. Andrew woke up to me balling my eyes out and was more confused than I was. But eventually I was getting my bags packed at home to bring to the hospital. We got all set up in my room and waited. The few contractions I was having weren’t painful. My mom couldn’t even tell I was having them. The doctor came by and told me to be in pain by the time she came back from a surgery. It took 8 hours after labor started to be in serious pain, and then it got ridiculous. I told myself I wouldn’t be that girl from the movies that was screaming, and I wouldn’t classify what I did as screaming necessarily, but there were some loud high pitch noises going on. I finally got an epidural at 4:30pm. So 12 hours of labor so far, I had gone from 4cm to 6cm dilated which made me so angry because if I was going to be in pain for so long, I wanted there to be more progress. Then the epidural didn’t work on my left side and I was 10cm so quickly that it barely even worked on the right side. 20 minutes of pushing later I had a baby on my stomach. My sweet baby! 

Benjamin Andrew
February 17th, 2015
5:37 pm
6 lbs. 13 oz.
18" long

I was in so much pain that I didn’t realize it for a few seconds. I was crying because of the pain, my eyes were glued shut pretty much, then when I finally comprehended what happened, I was crying because of my sweet baby. He was so perfect and little. It was such a surreal moment because for nine months there was a baby inside me, but it didn’t really make sense to me how real it all was when he was outside in the world now. We got to cuddle for hours together and I even got to nurse him. As the nurse was helping me, baby got his shots and Andrew got to hold him. My heart melted. 

 Our baby’s parents came in and visited for a few hours that night, and again in the morning. After we got the all clear for discharge, I got dressed in real people clothing and we put sweet baby in his going home outfit and took some pictures. We texted the parents to come back to our room, and I broke down.

This whole time at the hospital I was focused on baby and how perfect he is, but now the focus was on placing him in his parents’ hands, and that hurt so much. I kept telling myself that I chose this couple specifically and that I loved them, so everything would be okay, but turning my back on that little baby went against everything inside of me. I cried that whole night. And every night since. And during the day too. And always really. I’ve received so much love, and so many cookies (which I ate before I could even take pictures of how cute they were), from some women I’m close to; people even heart-attacked my front door with candy and messages. The parents of baby Ben spoiled me too. And it was all just so overwhelming because my heart hurt but there was so much love at the same time.

 “I just feel pain. A lot of pain. I thought I could imagine how much this would hurt, but I was wrong.” Haruki Murakami

I know I would have been an amazing mother to my baby, and Andrew would’ve been a very capable, loving father. We would have done anything to give our baby the world. We could have worked it all out and our baby would be comfortable and happy with both of his parents. I don’t want people to think badly of me and Andrew. People have come to me and said, “You made a mistake, and you’re dealing with it in a wonderful way.” Maybe you think having sex outside of marriage is a mistake, but getting pregnant wasn’t a mistake. That was a miracle. I had already repented for the whole having sex thing, but I’m not sorry I got pregnant. That’s been the best thing ever, for me and for my couple. And this decision is so scary to me because I know it’s going to put me into a depression worse than what I’ve already been through that I don’t know if I’ll come out of whole. 

“Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I have cherished every moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside of me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.” Erma Bombeck

But I also know that this was meant to be, a trial and a blessing. This sweet baby has blessed our life immensely, and he has two sets of parents who love him completely. I knew from the moment I saw this couples’ names that they were supposed to be Ben’s parents, and they are truly wonderful people who have become our dear friends throughout this process. So as much as it hurts, and as much as I want to hold my little baby and squish his cheeks, I know he is right where he is supposed to be. I love his parents and I love him with all my heart.

“My love for him was the only thing that could enable me to break my own heart” 

“I fell in love with you when you were forming in my womb. Now I carry you in my heart instead of my arms”

“He is mine in a way he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way he will never be mine, and so together, we are motherhood.”

Adoption is a beautiful, tender thing. 

“A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.” Jody Landers